Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil
by JediClutz
Summary: A parody and twist to RE2. The trio from Sunnyvale Trailer Park arrives in Raccoon City during the outbreak, along with others.They eventually end up meeting some of the characters. Rated M for strong language, violence, drug use.
1. Info and Summary

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil by JediClutz 

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

For those of you who are not familiar, or have never even heard about Trailer Park Boys, I have written a short summary about the TV show and some of its characters. (I'm not so good with summaries and i know there are better ways to write this one.)

Trailer Park Boys is a Canadian-produced TV show set in the fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park near Halifax. The show can be viewed on Showcase in Canada and on BBC America in the United States. It's a mockumentry about the lives of ex-convicts, Julian and Ricky, and their friend Bubbles. JUlian is normally considered the smartest of the group and is usually seen with a rum and Coke. He plans to get rich through illegal activities such as growing dope, stealing certain items and selling them at the trailer park, and other things. His best friend, Ricky, is not as smart, mainly due to his dope smoking. He's normally involved with Julian in growing and selling dope. Bubbles is a guy with large glasses and a hoarse voice. He has a passion for cats and professional wrestling and he does help with some activities with Julian and Ricky. He lives in Julian's shed with his cats. Jim Lahey, the trailer park supervisor, is always trying to catch Julian and Ricky doing something illegal, along with his shirtless, chesseburger-eating friend, Randy. Mr. Lahey tends to have a drinking problem. Cory and Trevor are two young guys who often carry out jobs for Julian, although they have a tendancy to screw up and take the blame.

This fanfic contains strong coarse language (normally associated with the show), violence, drug use, and some suggestive content. If you are easily offended by this kind of content, please do not read any further. Remember, you've been warned.

For those of you who wish to read on further, feel free to and enjoy.


	2. Chapter 1

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

Somewhere during the dark and gloomy night, a large, white van travels down a long highway heading towards Raccoon City. Much of the surrounding countryside is open and flat with some farms and crop fields. Only a few clouds covered a bright full moon and there was a slight, whistling breeze.

Inside the dark, crowded van, Julian drives the vehicle while Ricky relaxes in the passenger seat, smoking a wrapped joint. Bubbles sits in a wooden seat that was built in with the use of nails and duct tape. He stares down at the floor as he thinks to himself. Behind him was a small, thick jungle of dope plants. Nearly hidden in the plants was Cory and Trevor, who were standing with their backs right against the two rear windows. They were both holding onto metal bars in the ceiling. Julian takes a glance at Ricky as he's driving.

"That better not be our dope you're smoking, Ricky. Tell me that's not our dope," said Julian, raising his voice.

"Relax, Julian," replied Ricky. "This is from my own fucking stash." He turns and looks in the back to observe the dope jungle. "Holy shit! How much dope did we stack in here?"

"Sixty to sixty-five good-sized plants," said Julian. "Enough to make us a shitload of money."

"What the fuck!" responded Ricky. "I thought we grew more than that back in Sunnyvale."

"I told you, Ricky," explained Julian. "We need to keep a low profile if we're gonna sell all of this. The last thing I need is to get caught around here and end up back in prison. So don't go around displaying our dope." Ricky sinks back into his seat and sighs in disbelief. Bubbles looks up and he speaks to the two guys in front of him.

"Damn it, guys," said Bubbles, sounding a bit confused. "Who the hell would come up with a stupid name like Raccoon City?"

"What?" said Ricky after hearing Bubbles' question.

"Like what happened?" continued Bubbles. Did some old bastard from a long time ago get all drunk on booze or something? Did he go out to take a piss and saw a raccoon dunking food in a pond and, then, named a city after a fucking raccoon?"

"Bubs, it's just a city name," replied Ricky. "How do you suppose Moose Jaw got its name?"

"The hell would I know? I've never been to Moose Jaw," said Bubbles. The crowded van passes a road sign that displays "Welcome to Raccoon City" in big, bold letters.

* * *

Meanwhile about five kilometers behind the van, a small blue car follows them in the same direction. Mr. Lahey drives while Randy sits in the passenger seat next to him.

"Are you sure they've gone this way, Mr. Lahey?" asked Randy.

"Criminals always have that shit smell they leave behind when they're about to do something illegal," explained Lahey. "Right now, we've got them going down the shithighway. They'll be slipping and sliding in the shit until they're all the way back to prison."

"Jesus, Jim," said Randy. "You're not a cop anymore."

"I know, but I might be able to get back onto the force when we catch these boys," said Lahey. "We'll get them when we're in Raccoon City."

"Hey, I've read an article about some weird stuff that happened a few months back about Umbrella and an accident in a mansion," said Randy. "I heard the mansion was close to Raccoon City."

"Don't let that zombie and Umbrella bullshit scare ya," replied Lahey. "For all I know, the article was probably written by some dumbass reporter who wanted attention."

"We almost there yet?" asked Randy. "I'm hungry for some more cheeseburgers."

"We'll find a place when we get to the city," said Lahey. The car passes the big "Welcome to Raccoon City" road sign.

* * *

Somewhere in the streets of Raccoon City, the white van pulls into an empty alleyway. It continues moving down until it reaches an large, open space. The van stops and Julian steps out with a glass of rum and Coke in one hand. Ricky and Bubbles exit out of the passenger side and Cory and Trevor open the rear doors. Bubbles walks around to observe the alleyway network in his surroundings. He begins to grow nervous due to the emptiness and suspicion.

"I don't like this place, guys," Bubbles said to the others. "It's too fucking quiet and scary."

"This is a good enough place to not get caught," said Julian.

"But it's too damn quiet," said Bubbles. "What if something's watching us?...Like a shithawk."

"Don't start believing that dickhead Lahey," responded Ricky. "He's a fucking drunk and a dumbass. Never listen to him."

"Cory, Trevor, get over here," ordered Julian. "I want to talk to you both." The two rush over to Julian like a couple of trained dogs responding to an owner's command. Julian lays his drink on the roof of the van and he opens the sliding side door. He grabs two dope plants and gives them to Cory and Trevor. "Listen. Take this dope and search these alleys for customers. Whether you do, don't go out into the streets and don't smoke the dope yourselves. Got it?"

"Sure dude, but how much do you want us to change?" asked Trevor.

"I don't care," said Julian. "Just as long as it's not too expensive or too cheap." Cory and Trevor nod to Julian and they run towards and down a narrow alleyway. Julian grabs his glass and takes a sip of his rum and Coke. Ricky walks up to him.

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"We stay here and wait for them," replied Julian. "Hopefully, they don't screw up this time."

"When we first got here, I did not see anyone walking around," said Ricky. "There was no one in the streets. Something's not right here."

"I agree with Ricky," added Bubbles. "Something weird's going on. Let's get the hell outta here." Suddenly, a loud scream is heard and the boys turn to face the narrow alleyway. Cory and Trevor race out of the alley and towards the van where the others were waiting. Cory holds onto his right hand, which had a large, bloody gash.

"Holy shit!" shouted Ricky after he saw the wound on Cory's hand, "What the fuck happened!"

"We tried to sell the dope to this dude who looked like he was either drunk or stoned or something," explained Cory. "I showed him the plant and, then, he fucking bit me for no reason. He was crazy, man. We had to drop the dope and run cause he was after us."

"You left behind our dope!" said Ricky furiously.

"You've really fucked up this time, Cory and Trevor," said Julian.

"Sssssh...Do you hear that?" said Bubbles. Everyone stops talking and they all listen. Sounds of random moaning and groans could be heard from all directions. All of the sudden, zombies stumbled out of the alleyways and they slowly start to advance towards them. The undead creatures were covered in cuts and areas of ripped flesh. "Jesus, what the fuck's wrong with these people?"

"Oh shit, there's more of them," said Trevor. The shocked and frightened group immediately rushes into the van and all doors are quickly slammed shut. The zombies continue to advance and, eventually, they start banging their palms against the van, isolated in a sea of cannibals.

"If I knew something like this would happen, I wouldn't have brought us here in the first place," Julian thought to himself. A zombie manages to smash in one of the rear windows. Julian stomps hard on the gas pedal and he aims for the largest alleyway in sight. The van barrels down the alley, hitting and running over any zombies that were in the way. It turns the right corner and speeds down a long street.

* * *

Several minutes later inside the van, Ricky lights up another joint while Bubbles, Cory, and Trevor remain partially hidden in the dope jungle. Julian continues to drive fast down the empty street, occasionally spotting a zombie or two along the way. Bubbles is in a rage of panic and severe nervousness.

"Shit, guys," said Bubbles. "This whole city's fucked up. The streets are fucked, the people are fucked,...even these buildings look fucked."

"Calm down, Bubbles," responded Julian. "We're gonna find a way out of this place."

"Well, find a way fast," said Bubbles, looking as if he was going to break into tears. "I wanna get back home to my kitties. They probably really need me by now."

"Don't worry," said Ricky. "Trinity said she would look after them while we were gone." The van begins to gradually slow down. Julian tries to speed up, but nothing happens. He peers downs at the gas meter which read as empty.

"Come on, come on...shit! We're out of gas," said Julian.

"Aw, that's just fucking great," shouted Ricky in disappointment.

"I knew it. I knew it," said Bubbles, still panicking. "I'm gonna get eaten alive by zombies in a city named after a fucking raccoon."

Using the vehicle movement he had left, Julian turns the wheel and he steers the van towards a nearby diner. He applys the brake and stops in a parking lot where three cars and a Harley motorcycle stood off to one side. The place was empty and lifeless. Julian gets out of the van, along with the others.

"So what do we do now?" Ricky asked Julian.

"You and Bubbles should try breaking into one of these car to hotwire it," replied Julian. He turns to look at Cory and Trevor, who were still shaken up from the previous incident. "You guys go into that diner and look for a phone."

"Whoa, I'm not going in there," said Trevor. "There may be more of those zombies, man."

"Shut up and go into that diner," said Julian. "Take these quarters and look for a phone. Don't screw up." Julian places the quarters in Trevor's hand and, both he and Cory, rush towards the diner entrance. They both walk inside. Meanwhile, Ricky glances at the van and, then, he speaks to Julian.

"We're not gonna leave behind all of our dope, are we?" he asked. "That could still be worth alot."

"Fuck the dope," replied Julian. "I'd rather find a better way to earn money and get rich quick."

"But, Julian," said Ricky.

"I said fuck the dope," said Julian, this time shouting at Ricky. "If we want to live through this, then we need to hotwire a car and get out of this city. I'll keep a lookout for any zombies." Ricky sighs and he walks over to a blue car. Finding a broken slab of concrete on the pavement, he smashes the driver's window. Meanwhile, Bubbles observes the motorcycle and, then, he sits on the seat. He finds a rider's helmet on one of the handlebars and tries to put it on, but it does not fit.

"Damn it, this helmet won't fit on my head," said Bubbles, heaving the helmet towards the nearby road. It bounces once and, then, continues to roll across the pavement. Ricky hears the noise and looks up from the car and at Bubbles.

"Bubs, we can't fit all five of us on that bike," said Ricky.

"I know," replied Bubbles. "I'm just checking out this bad boy." He looks down and continues to examine the motorcycle. Ricky goes back to looking inside the car. To his surprise, he finds a small mountain of cheeseburger wrappers in the backseats. Curious, he reaches in and grabs a handful of wrappers.

"Hey, this car looks oddly familiar," Ricky thought to himself. Suddenly, the main entrance doors to the diner burst open and Cory and Trevor run out. They both sprint past Julian and into the streets until they were out of sight.

"Hey, where the hell are you guys running off to?" shouted Julian. He turns to the diner entrance to see Lahey stumbling out with a pistol in one hand. Randy follows him from behind with an armful of wrapped cheeseburgers and eating one with the other hand. Ricky quickly looks up at Lahey and Bubbles steps off of the motorcycle.

"Jim Lahey?" said Ricky. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"You shitrats are easy to find anywhere, especially when you're up to something," replied Lahey, randomly waving his gun at the boys. "All of you put your hands on the roof of the car now."

"Lahey, do you even know what's going on?" asked Julian.

"Yeah, I'm taking you assholes to the RPD police station where you'll be booked in," answered Lahey.

"You don't understand," explained Julian. "We were attacked earlier by zombie-like people in an alleyway."

"That's bullshit!" said Lahey. "Get your hands on the car."

"I'm telling you the truth," said Julian, still trying to convince Lahey. "It happened."

"Shut up and get your ass over to the car!" shouted Lahey, this time pointing the gun right at Julian. Giving up, he walks over to the blue car where Ricky was standing. Bubbles also walks over with his hands up to join his friends. They all place their hands on the car's roof and Lahey slowly heads towards them. Taking three pairs of handcuffs out of a jeans pocket, he binds together the hands of Julian, Ricky, and, then, Bubbles.

"Fuck you, Lahey!" cursed Ricky.

"That's right, Ricky," said Lahey. "Fuck me. Soon, you'll be fucked by the shitfairy in the showers at prison." He looks at Randy and points to the van. "Randy, go over to that van, open it, and see if you can find anything."

"But I can't," replied Randy. "My hands are full."

"Fine, I'll go open it myself," said Lahey. "You watch over the prisoners." He stumbles over to the van and slides open the side door. The dope jungle is revealed and he pulls out a plant and smiles.

"Well, well, well," said Lahey, observing the dope plant. "It seems you boys have been up to some drug selling. I'll take one of these plants with me for evidence. Let's head to the station."

"I don't think our car has enough room to fit all of us in, Mr. Lahey," said Randy. Lahey looks at his car and, then, at the boys.

"That's alright, Randy," replied Lahey. "I have a better idea."

To Be Continued.

* * *

The length of each chapter will vary. Next chapter will probably be a little shorter than this one. 


	3. Chapter 2

Trailer Park Boys in Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

Outside of the silent building of RPD Headquarters, Lahey drives the car up to the closed front gates. Ricky, Julian, and Bubbles are tied down by thick ropes to the roof of the vehicle. Lahey steps out and he pushes open the steel gates until there was a wide open gap between the group and the station entrance. Randy opens the passenger door and walks out to untie the boys. Ricky was cursing and struggling against the ropes.

"Lahey, you're a real fucking cruel bastard and a drunk!" he shouted.

"Shut up, Ricky," said Lahey. "You guys are gonna be in deep shit when the RPD is done chewing your asses." Randy quietly whispers to Julian as he unties him.

"I don't know what's going through his mind, Julian," said Randy. "He's really been acting weird lately."

"He's probably really drunk or something," replied Julian. "Doesn't surprise me." As soon as all of the ropes were untied, the boys slide off of the car, scratching the paintjob at the same time. Bubbles looks around and he spots two zombies slowly wandering down the street nearby the opposite sidewalk. He starts to panic again.

"Oh no!" said Bubbles. "There's two more of those damn zombie bastards down that street. I think they're plotting something." Lahey turns around and looks at the two distant zombies. He pulls a small whiskey container out of his shirt pocket and takes a quick drink.

"Bubbles," explained Lahey, putting the container back in his pocket, "Those guys over there are just normal people coming out of a bar or party. Nothing unusual. Anyway, enough with the zombie shit. The three of you follow me and Randy." Lahey unholsters his pistol and he walks over to the car to collect both the boys and the dope plant. Randy grabs his cheeseburgers out of the backseats and he runs over to join the group as they proceed towards the front entrance of the police station.

* * *

Inside the RPD headquarters, the entrance doors open and the group finds themselves in a grand hall. A tall, marble statue of a woman holding a vessel of water rests in the middle of the room. Behind the statue, a group of reception desks with a computer and a typewriter remains lifeless. Randy and Lahey gaze around with astounishment as they observe the fancy woodwork and classical-style treatment of the hall.

"Wow. This place is huge and fancy-looking," commented Randy.

"Some rich bastard must own this goddamn station," said Bubbles.

"What kind of dumbass would waste their money on this fancy shit," wondered Julian. Lahey smiles as he continues to enjoy the scenary of the hall.

"Someone who wanted to create a heaven for cops and a shithell for all of the criminals who come here," replied Lahey.

"Where the fuck is everyone?" asked Ricky.

"Maybe most of the staff is taking the night off, or maybe they're on patrol," said Lahey. "The S.T.A.R.S. members are probably still here, waiting for new arrivals."

"S.T.A.R.S.?" said Julian, who was unfamiliar with the term.

"From what I've heard, they're some special squad of the RPD," explained Lahey. "You know, handles the most difficult tasks...Hmmm...Maybe I'll deliver you shitrats to their office so that they have something to piss on."

"I ain't scared of no fucking S.T.A.R.S.," said Bubbles as he follows the others to a set of double doors on the left side.

* * *

Meanwhile, several minutes later in the S.T.A.R.S. Office Room, Claire Redfield stares down at Chris' desk after receiving his diary and a radio from Leon. The former S.T.A.R.S. member's desk looked as if it had been ravaged by a tornado. Leon wanders around the office, looking for extra weapons and ammunition.

"I can't believe what is happening to this city," said Claire, holding the diary.

"This is definitely not what I've expected for my first day on the job," said Leon. Suddenly, the door bursts open. Leon and Claire quickly turn to see Randy walk in, who was starting to inhale another cheeseburger. Behind him, Julian, Ricky, and Bubbles, still in handcuffs, follow in as Lahey directs them to what may have been Wesker's desk. He continues to point his pistol at the three captives.

"Don't worry, guys. I got these shitrats under control," Lahey said to the two survivors, who weren't expecting anyone to arrive with captives in handcuffs. "They're ready to be booked in for possession and distribution of illegal drugs and I have some evidence." He lays the dope plant on top of Wesker's desk.

"Wait," said Leon. "Who the hell are you?"

"Officer Jim Lahey, nice to meet you," he replied. He points an index finger at Randy. "This is my partner, Randy."

"Don't listen to this fucking drunk!" yelled Ricky. "He's fucked out of his mind!"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up, Ricky," sneered Lahey. "Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going off to find the two shitratlings that you boys brought along for your dirty job. Randy, you stay here and make sure they don't try to escape."

"Uhhh..sure," said Randy. Lahey takes his eyes off of his captives and he heads out of the office. Leon and Claire stare at him with confused looks as he leaves.

"You're not gonna listen to Lahey, are you?" Julian asked Randy.

"Hell no. He's definitely out of his mind," replied Randy.

"You got that right," commented Claire.

"I wonder if he even knows what's going on in this town," said Leon.

"He probably doesn't even know who the fuck he is anymore," said Julian.

"Here, I'll uncuff you guys and...aw crap!" said Randy.

"What? What is it?" asked Bubbles.

"I just realized something," said Randy. "Lahey has the key."

"Aw, fuck!" shouted Ricky, banging the sides of his arms on the desk.

"Calm down," said Claire. "I keep a lockpick with me all the time. Maybe it will help get those cuffs off." She pulls an improvised lockpick out of her left shorts pocket and walks over to the boys. One by one, she manages to free them from Lahey's handcuffs. Leon walks over to collect the handcuffs and he examines them.

"These aren't standard police handcuffs," he said to himself. "Anyone can buy these at an arcade or a fair. Now I know that Jim Lahey isn't really a cop."

"Thanks," Julian said to Claire. "I'm Julian and this is Ricky and Bubbles."

"My name's Claire," she replied, "and the cop who's with me is Leon."

"We shouldn't stay in this city for any longer," explained Leon. "We should split up and look for any survivors, then we'll need to get out of here somehow."

"I agree," added Julian. "This place is already screwed as we know it." Claire grabs a brown leather jacket off its hanger and she walks over to Randy.

"Randy, you should put this on," she said. "There's a bit of a chill in here." However, to her surprise, Randy immediately jumps back at the sight of the jacket.

"Whoa...no way!" Randy shouted.

"Why not?" asked Claire. "It's cold in here."

"I never wear shirts or jackets," replied Randy. "Never did. Don't like em." Disappointed and angry, Bubbles runs up to Claire, grabs the leather jacket from her, and he shoves it right in front of Randy's face.

"Hey, if the lady gives you a jacket, you put on the fucking jacket," said Bubbles as he tries to force the jacket onto Randy's torso.

"Hey, no way!" shouted Randy, who was using all of his strength to try to resist Bubbles.

"Put on the fucking jacket, Randy!" yelled Bubbles, this time being more angry than ever.

"No! Get off of me!" continued Randy. An all-out violent struggle erupts between Randy and Bubbles. The two brush themselves up against nearby walls and desks, knocking over many items and hanging pictures. Eventually, Ricky and Julian jump into the uncontrolable struggle as they try to wrestle the two apart, but with only little success. Leon and Claire rush towards the increased human boulder of rage.

"Hey! Hey! Knock it out!" yelled Leon, grabbing onto Randy.

"Break it up," shouted Claire, looking for someone to grab onto and pull away.

"Stop it right now!" ordered Leon. He manages to pull Randy out of the struggle, which causes everyone else to settle down. Bubbles is still holding onto the leather jacket.

"Jesus, Randy," said Ricky. "You didn't need to be fucking scared of that jacket. Besides, I think it's about time you cover up that sick cheeseburger gut of yours."

"He doesn't have to wear it if he doesn't want to," said Claire. "I was just simply offering it to him."

"If he doesn't want it, then I'll wear it," said Bubbles, slipping the jacket on and over his shirt.

"Okay, if we keep fighting like this, we'll never make it out of Raccoon City alive," said Leon. "We all need to work together if we're all going to survive. First of all, you guys need some firepower because the whole city is crawling with the undead and whatever God knows what else."

"Ricky and I already have our pistols," said Julian. "It's a good thing that Lahey was too fucked to search us when he apprehanded us. However, Randy and Bubbles need some kind of gun."

"Already. Follow me," Leon spoke to the two unarmed guys. They follow him to the S.T.A.R.S. weapons closet. He opens it to reveal a large cache of shotguns, crossbows, and grenade launchers. Bubbles reaches in to grab an M79 grenade launcher while Randy chooses a Remington 12-gauge shotgun.

"Now I can kick some zombie ass looking like a mean and lean bastard," said Bubble, holding his grenade launcher in a Terminator-like pose.

"Aw, I not just gonna stick with my little fucking peashooter," said Ricky, seeing the big guns that the two guys were choosing. "I'm getting myself one of those bad boys." He walks over to the weapons cache and grabs a shotgun that was identical to the one that Randy possessed.

"Good. You guys load up," said Leon. "Ricky and Bubbles will accompany Claire in her search for survivors while Julian and Randy will follow me. Hopefully, we can find a way out of this hell on Earth."

When everyone in the S.T.A.R.S. Office was finished loading their firearms, Ricky claims the dope plant on Wesker's desk. Randy distributes the last of his cheeseburgers to the rest of the group, keeping one for himself. Claire, Ricky, and Bubbles exit out of the room. Leon and the other two follow out the doorway afterwards.

To Be Continued.


	4. Chapter 3

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

Somewhere on the dark streets of Raccoon City, Cory and Trevor run down an empty sidewalk. They both stop to find themselves in what appears to be a residental area with tall, old houses. Cory looks down at the large bite on his hand, which seemed to be slightly decaying and growing worse. He looks at Trevor, who was standing right beside him.

"Oh shit," said Cory, sounding weak. "I don't feel so good, man. I think that zombie had like rabies or something."

"Do you know where we are?" asked Trevor.

"I don't know," replied Cory. "The last thing that I remember was trying to run away from Lahey when we found him in that diner. Then we ended up having to dodge and outrun a few hordes of zombies so we're somewhere. I just don't know where."

"Aw man. I could really use a smoke right now, but I'm all out," said Trevor. He curiously looks around the unfamiliar area of the city, wondering where he was. Across the street from their location, he spots an old, white house with a small garden hugging the side of a front porch. A crop of green herbs in the garden catches Trevor's interest. He grabs Cory's right shoulder and points his finger towards the herbs. "Hey, we should try some of that shit over there." He and Cory quickly sprint over to the house and garden. Cory rips off a small leaf from one of the herbs and places it in his mouth.

"Wow, this stuff is good," he commented as he chewed the newly discovered plant. "Get out the paper, quick!" Trevor reaches into his left jeans pocket and pulls out two pieces of cigarette paper. They both wrap some shredded leaves into joints. Using Trevor's lighter, the two start smoking the herbs.

"Man, we should gather more of this stuff," said Trevor, grabbing handfuls of herbs and tearing them out of the soil.

"I know. I'm feeling better already," said Cory, who was also trying to grab a share of the garden's herbs. They both continue to laugh and smoke until a snarling noise broke the surrounding silence. A licker crawls around a corner of the house, attracted by the sound of the two laughing young adults. Its long tongue flickers as the grotesque beast slowly approaches the shocked pair.

"Aww shit. We're fucked," said Trevor.

"Run!" shouted Cory. He and Trevor drop the herbs they carried and they run as fast as they could down the street. The provoked licker speed crawls after them. Cory and Trevor managed to reach a small parked car along the sidewalk. Finding the doors unlocked, they quickly jump inside and Cory tries to hotwire the vehicle from the driver's seat. The licker scrambles onto the hood and it starts punching through the metal with its massive, razor-sharp claws. Trevor ducks his head near the passenger seat in order to avoid the descending claws.

"Fuck! It's getting through!" panicked Trevor.

"I think I'm almost there. Hold on," said Cory. Using the right wires, the car starts up and he grabs hold of the steering wheel. He presses down hard on the gas and they begin to speed down the street. The licker slides off the back of the car and the guys disappear around the corner of a house.

* * *

In the great library of Raccoon City's Police Department, Ricky stands nearby some bookselves with Bubbles, snacking on a small bag of jalapeno-flavoured chips. His dope plant and shotgun rests beside him in on a small, wooden table. Claire walks around on the above balcony, searching for anything that may be useful in their fight for survival.

"Jesus, Ricky. I want to blow away some of these zombie bastards myself," said Bubbles. "We shouldn't have to leave Claire with all the dirty work."

"We're not leaving her with all the work," responded Ricky. "I was gonna help shoot down that last group of zombies, but she's too fucking fast."

"You weren't helping," said Bubbles "You were busy trying to get those jalapeno chips from that fucking vending machine."

"I was hungry, alright, and I'm sure as hell not gonna eat Randy's burger," said Ricky. "Besides, I love ja-lap-eno chips."

"Uh Ricky. It's pronounced jalapeno," said Claire, overhearing him and Bubbles. Ricky devours another chip and he looks back at Claire.

"No it's not," he replied. "It's ja-lap-eno."

"Jalapeno," said Claire.

"Ja-lap-eno," said Ricky. "There's a fucking 'j' at the beginning." Claire sighs in disbelief of Ricky's intelligence.

"I'm not gonna get into this," she said. "There are more important things to do than argue over the pronouncation for jalapeno" She finally reaches the end of the balcony. However, she doesn't notice a large patch of rotted wood in the floor. The rotton wood collapses beneath her feet and Claire falls through, ending up in a hidden corridor in the library. Ricky quickly turns to see the gap in the balcnoy.

"Holy shit! Are you okay?" asked Ricky.

"I'm fine. Just a scratch," replied Claire. "Hey, I think I've found something." Bubbles hears a faint sound of zombies moaning from the other side of a set of double doors. He pops a grenade in his M79 and walks towards the doors.

"Alright," sneered Bubbles as he opened one of the doors. "Time for me to kill some of those motherfucking zombies with my big boomstick." The door closes behind him. Ricky just stares at him as his friend leaves the library.

"Hey. Where the hell do you think you're going? Wait!" shouted Claire after hearing a door slam shut. She finds a button in the corner right in front of her and rushes over to press it. One of the bookselves located underneath a massive painting slowly moves to the left. Red lights lit up on the sides of the selves facing outward. Claire runs out of the corridor and meets up with Ricky. "Where the hell is Bubbles?"

"Oh, he just walked through those doors just now," replied Ricky. "I think he went to go shoot some zombies."

"Is he nuts?" said Claire. "He could get..." Suddenly, loud blasts and explosions rip throughout the great hall. Ricky and Claire turn to face the double doors as they hear Bubbles yelling and cursing from the other side. More sounds of explosions and moaning zombies continue to add to the racket, created by the angry, grenade launcher-toting guy.

"Die you fucking bastards!" he yelled. "My grenade launcher's gonna blow the zombie shit outta ya! Do you know who you're messing with! Do you know who you're messing with! You're messing with the Green Bastard! Eat this dead fucker!"

"Holy shit! He's gone psycho!" said Claire.

"At least he's helping to blow away any zombies that would have been in our way," said Ricky.

"I guess you're right," said Claire. "Oh damn I'm starving. I think I'll eat my burger right now."

"It's right there on that desk," said Ricky, pointing to a small desk that was underneath the balcony. He continues to snack on his chips while Claire walks over to claim the burger she received from Randy.

* * *

Meanwhile in the underground RPD parking lot, Leon, Julian, and Randy slowly walk with their guns drawn in front of them. An armoured car blocks the door to the cells and the exit gate remains shut and locked. Suddenly, a gunshot rings out and a bullet ricochets off the pavement near Julian. He turns to face Randy, thinking it was him who fired the shot.

"Jesus, Randy!" shouted Julian. "Are you trying to blow off my fucking leg or something! Keep that safety on!"

"But it is on," replied Randy.

"Then who the fuck is..." Before Julian could finish his sentence, he and the others are somewhat surprised to see a young Chinese woman behind them, holding a pistol in one hand. She walks up to Leon, who was closest to her.

"Sorry about that," said the mysterious woman. "For a second there, I thought you were all zombies." She walks past Leon as she makes her way towards the armoured car.

"Who are you?" asked Leon.

"Ada Wong," she replied.

"And what are you doing here?" continued to ask Leon.

"I'm looking for some reporter named Ben," said Ada.

"Reporter? Maybe you should try the local news studio," said Randy. "There's probably one somewhere in this city."

"Don't be a wiseass," responded Ada. "I know where he is. He's locked up in the cells just ahead, but I can't get there because that damn vehicle's blocking the entrance."

"We'll help you move that thing," said Leon. "Right guys?" Neither Julian or Randy answered him as if they never heard him. "Right!"

"Wha...Oh yeah. Sure," replied Julian, almost looking startled after Leon raised his voice at him. "Bring your ass over here, Randy." Leon and the others walk over to the rear of the lifeless armoured car. Using their combined strength, they gradually push the car farther forward, revealing a steel door in which they exit through.

* * *

The group follows Ada as she leads them down a dark hallway. Stale air fills their lungs. After she opens the steel gate that shielded the cellblock, they find themselves in an eerie room with two large jail cells. Just the sight was enough to send chills down Julian's spine as this place looked more isolated and scarier than the prison he had to do time in, after being caught a few times doing illegal activities. Leon spots Ben, who was sleeping on a bench in the farmost cell. He hits the bars with his left fist. Ben is awakened and he lifts himself off the bench, muttering under his breath.

"What do you want?" he said rudely. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"Sleep? This place is crawling with zombies and all you want to do is sleep?" wondered Randy.

"Exactly," replied Ben. "I've locked myself in here and I still have the key with me."

"What kind of dumbass would lock himself up in a jail cell?" asked Julian.

"To tell you the truth," said Ben, "I happen to find myself safe in here."

"No, because you're being a fucking wuss," responded Julian. "Now get out."

"Hey, don't tell what to do!" shouted Ben.

"Bring your chicken ass out here, Ben," said Julian.

"Fuck you!" cursed Ben.

"No, fuck you!" Julian cursed back.

"Shut up! Both of you!" shouted Leon, shattering the heated argument between the two guys. After they had slowly calmed down, Ada speaks to Ben.

"Ben," she said. "The reason why I'm here is because I'm trying to find my boyfriend, John. Recently, I've heard a rumour that he's here in the city and that you might know his wherabouts."

"I don't know anything and even if I did, why would I want to tell you?" replied Ben.

"Okay, I say we just leave him in there," said Leon, who was tired of having to put up with both Ben and Julian.

"That's fine with me cause I'm not leaving this cell," said Ben. "There's more than just zombies crawling around out there." All of the sudden, a loud roar from a unknown, distant creature echoes throughout the gloomy darkness. Everyone quickly turns to face down the hallway. Randy instantly draws his shotgun and, without looking, he accidently points the muzzle at Julian.

"What the hell was that?" asked Randy. "Some big ass monster?"

"Damn it, Randy!" shouted Julian after dashing over to his left when he noticed the shotgun behind him. "Watch where your pointing that thing!" Randy lowers his shotgun.

"See? That's why I'm staying in this cell," said Ben. "Now get out of here before you lead it right to me."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere," responded Leon. "I'm the only cop left alive in this building."

"What?" said the confused Ben.

"If you want to live, then you're going to have to leave with us," said Leon.

"But do you even know how to get out of the city?" asked Ben. "There's a dog kennel in the back of the building. Inside the kennel is a manhole. Go through and it will lead you through the sewer entrance, but it won't be easy."

"Alright, I'm going," said Ada. She runs out of the cellblock and down the dark hallway, leaving the others behind.

"Well, I guess we should probably get going and leave this dicknose in his cell," said Julian.

"At least I'm not prone to getting ass-raped by one of those zombie dogs unlike you," said Ben. His insult causes Julian's temper to explode and he furiously rushes over to the cell, trying to make a grab for the man inside.

"Why you fucking piece of...!" yelled Julian as he reaches through the bars with both arms. Ben quickly stands back in order to stay out of his grasp. Leon grabs Julian around the chest and he tries to hold him back. Eventually, Julian succumbs to fatigue and he stops struggling.

"Stop it, Julian! Don't let him piss you off," ordered Leon. "Now go and wait for Randy and I outside the cellblock." Breathing heavily, Julian walks towards the gate, but not before flipping the middle finger at Ben.

* * *

Meanwhile in the waiting room on the second floor, Bubbles slowly walks towards a door nearby the reception desks with his grenade launcher drawn. The barrel of his M79 was hot from continuous firing. He turns the knob and pushes open the door to find a small hallway with three other doors and the wreckage of a helicopter's cockpit. The door that was closest to the massive piece of scrap metal had been smashed outwards and the way in was blocked. Just as he was about to step into the empty hallway, a blond, 12-year old girl sprints right past Bubbles and she ducks into a vent next to the chopper wreckage. He looks around confused, wondered who he just saw.

"Holy shit. Who the fuck was that?" he said to himself. Hearing the door on the other side of the waiting room creak open, Bubbles turns around to find Ricky with his back against the door after quickly slamming it shut. His trackpants were missing, leaving his boxers exposed. A stunned look was present on his face and his eyes were wide. "Hey Ricky. I think I saw some kid running down this hallway behind me...and where the hell are your pants?"

"You not gonna believe what just happened," explained Ricky. "I was just eating my ja-lap-eno chips as normal and then, suddenly, Claire started to tackle me down until she was on top of me. She sounded like she was fucking horny or something. She made a grab for my pants and I was trying to get her off of me. Finally when I managed to struggle free, I quickly ran for the door, but not before she ripped off my pants. It was fucking crazy."

"Shouldn't you be like enjoying that kind of thing?" asked Bubbles.

"Bubs, I barely know the woman and I already have Lucy back in Sunnyvale," replied Ricky. "Besides, she was kind of a bit too rough anyway. Man, I don't know what got into her head. She was just eating a burger and then..." Ricky pauses as if something had just emerged from his memory. "Wait a minute...Bubbles, do you still have your burger?"

"It's right here in my jacket pocket," replied Bubbles, reaching into his left jacket pocket and pulling out the burger he received from Randy, which was still enveloped in its wrapper. He hands it over to Ricky who unwraps it and lifts off the top bun. Embedded in the center of the beef patty was a small viagra pill.

"What the fuck! Viagra!" shouted Ricky who was surprised about his discovery. Then, he grew angry. "That sick fucker, Randy! Boy, I'm really starting to hate that fucking cheeseburger inhaler."

"Shit, Ricky," said the shocked Bubbles. "It's a good thing I didn't eat that fucking burger, or I would have become fucking horny myself."

"That's it," said Ricky, throwing the burger against a wall. "I'm never taking any food from that sick bastard ever again." He hears a knock from the door behind him, then he hears Claire speaking to him from the other side.

"Ricky? Are you in there? Ricky?" she said.

"I hope you're back to your normal self cause I ain't fucking opening this door," replied Ricky.

"Ricky, I'm sorry about what happened," said Claire. "I don't know what got into me."

"It's not your fault, Claire," said Ricky, calming down. "Randy spiked all of our burgers with viagra."

"What!" responded Claire. "What the hell is wrong with that asshole!...Look, I'm fine, okay? Now please let me in."

"First, could you please gimme back my pants," asked Ricky.

"Okay," replied Claire. Ricky turns to face the door. He opens it slightly, allowing Claire to reach in with Ricky's black and white-striped trackpants. He swipes his pants from her hand and he quickly slips them back on. Claire fully opens the door and she walks in to join Ricky and Bubbles. "Hey Bubbles. You really screwed up those zombies in the great hall back there. I had to find my way through a trail of burning bodies and debris."

"I was still fucking up them zombies until I saw some little girl run right past me," said Bubbles.

"Really?" asked Claire. "Do you know who she is?"

"I don't know," replied Bubbles. "I've never seen her around here before. All I know was that I think she was blond and had a white shirt and dark shorts. I think she also had some kind of pendant flying around her neck. Anyway, she crawled into that vent right by the wreckage."

"I think I saw her earlier nearby the S.T.A.R.S. office," said Claire. "It's too dangerous for her to be alone around here. We must find her."

"Yeah, but how the fuck are we gonna get through that pile of scrap metal?" asked Ricky.

"I know. I'll just do this," said Bubbles, taking aim at the smashed-in door with his M79. He fires an explosive round at the wreckage. Pieces of metal and wooden debris fly everywhere as the grenade makes impact with devestating results. A large hole is created, uncovering an entrance into a hallway.

"Well, I guess that worked," commented Claire.

"I left my dope and shotgun back in the library," said Ricky. "I'll meet up with you both later." He exits out the doorway leading into the great hall. Claire and Bubbles proceed towards the hole.

To Be Continued.


	5. Chapter 4

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of it's characters.

Leon, Julian, and Randy exit out of a door and into a concrete-built hallway. The Raccoon City Sewage Disposal Plant was mostly empty of both life and the walking dead from what they've discovered so far, except for two gigantic tarantulas in the sewers which the survivors gunned down earlier. Hearing a stream of footsteps nearby, Leon looks to his left side to catch Ada walking towards a large metal shutter with a ventilation shaft above it.

"Ada?" said Leon. The mysterious woman turns around to face the trio, who wasn't expecting to see them again. Julian and Randy were also surprised to see her. "I don't we've introduced ourselves yet. My name's Leon and this is Julian and Randy." Ada gestures with her palm as if she didn't care at all about their names and turns back to observe the large shutter. Leon walks up to her side. "It's a dead end."

"I might be able to get to the other side through that shaft up there," said Ada, pointing at the dark hole. "Give me a boost. I'll go and check." Giving in to her request, Leon moves in front of her and faces the shutter. He lowers himself to the floor, allowing Ada to climb onto his back and shoulders. With Ada standing on his shoulders like a statue, Leon slowly raises himself up and lifts her closer to the shaft. She crawls in and disappears out of sight.

"Jesus, I can't even fit through that hole," commented Randy, who was impressed by Ada's ability to easily squeeze through the tight ventilation space.

"No shit. Neither can I," added Julian. He turns to speak to Leon. "Leon, you don't really think we're gonna try getting out of this city through the sewers, right?"

"It may be the best and safest way out of this hellhole," replied Leon.

"You've gotta be crazy!" said Julian, raising his voice. "For all we know, there's probably something worse down there!"

"Don't worry, Julian," said Leon, trying to calm him down. "You guys are armed with shotguns and there's a weapons storage back in the police station."

"Yeah, but it's locked," said Randy. "How the hell are we gonna get in there without the right keycard?"

"We'll just have to find it," replied Leon. "It's got to be somewhere in the station. Right now, let's just stand here and wait for Ada." Julian settles down and begins to stare at the concrete floor.

"Fuck, I need a drink," Julian sighed to himself.

* * *

In a dark, cluttered maze filled with many antiques, vases, and other expensive items, Ricky and Bubbles slowly follow Claire as she searches for the unidentified little girl who both she and, later, Bubbles encountered earlier. She carefully inspects every corner of each collectibles case before proceeding.

"There was something not right about that police chief, Ricky," said Bubbles. "Sitting near a desk with a dead woman and a gun. It fucking creeps me out."

"You mean that guy who demanded me to surrender my dope?" ranted Ricky. "I don't care if he's the Chief of Police around here and I'm carrying illegal drugs. This whole city's fucked up so there is no law here anymore."

"Jesus, Ricky. All you ever talk about is dope," responded Bubbles. "We're in a city infested with flesh-eating zombies and, still you're fucking talking about dope."

"Would you guys please keep it down?" shouted Claire in a loud whisper. "I'm trying to look for the girl."

"I don't see her around here," said Ricky. "For all I know, she's probably gone off to hide somewhere else on the other side of the station." Claire suddenly hears a faint sound of an object being knocked over, soon followed by small footsteps.

"Ssshh...Listen," Claire whispered to Ricky and Bubbles. They all stop where they stood to listen for more noises. More footsteps are heard from what seemed to be coming from another dark room nearby. "You guys stay here and wait for me. If she runs out of that room, one of you must make a grab for her. I'm going in."

"Whatever you say," replied Ricky. Both he and Bubbles stand and wait just outside the doorway as Claire slowly walks in. The room was mostly pitch black but she managed to find what felt like a lightswitch just next to the doorway. She flicks on the switch and a bright light engulfs the darkness. Huddled on the far side of another antiques storage, the 12-year-old girl looks up and sees Claire. Instantly, she springs onto her feet and makes a dash for the doorway. Just before she could run right past her, Claire grabs the girl's right arm and holds onto it tight.

"Let me go!" screamed the frightened child as she tries to free her arm from Claire's grasp.

"Easy! Easy! I'm not a zombie!" replied Claire. The girl, who had just found out the young woman holding her arm was still among the living, stops struggling. Claire releases her arm. "You're safe now." Happy, yet scared, to see another human, the girl embraces Claire and begins to weep into her abdomen.

Meanwhile just outside the bright room, Ricky and Bubbles could hear the girl's sobbing come to a stop. Then a gentle conversation starts between her and Claire. Ricky reaches into a pocket in his track pants and pulls out a wrapped, six-paper joint, along with a lighter. He places his shotgun on the floor in front of him and lights up the long joint that was dangling from his mouth.

"Well, it sounds like she's got that girl now, Ricky," said Bubbles with a smile. "That adds another survivor to our group." He notices the six-paper joint curving down from Ricky's mouth and he looks at him almost surprised. "Jesus, Ricky. Where the fuck did you get that long-ass joint?"

"I was saving it for when we were finished selling our dope," replied Ricky, "but since that's not gonna happen, might as well smoke it now."

"You shouldn't smoke that here, not in the presence of a little girl," said Bubbles.

"Bubs, I've always smoked in front of my daughter, Trinity," said Ricky. "Hell, she even smokes cigerettes herself."

"But this ain't Trinity we're talking about, Ricky," explained Bubbles. "This is someone else. You don't think that this little girl smokes too, do you?"

"I don't fucking care whether or not she smokes," said Ricky. "If she does, she sure as hell ain't gonna get any dope from me." Suddenly, the same inhuman roar that was heard earlier by Leon and his companions echoes into the antiques room. In response, Ricky quickly grabs his shotgun off of the floor. His six-paper is still implanted in his mouth. Bubbles raises his grenade launcher and he freezes in shock. They both cautiously observe around their surroundings, wondering where the mysterious roar came from.

"What the hell was that!" Bubbles asked Ricky.

"I don't know, but whatever the fuck that was, it definitely did not sound like a zombie," replied Ricky.

"It sounded like...like a Samsquich," said Bubbles.

"What?" said Ricky, wondering what Bubbles was talking about.

"I think it was a fucking Samsquich that made that noise!" continued Bubbles, who was driving himself into a great panic. "Aw fuck! It's probably after us, Ricky! The Samsquich's gonna fucking rip us apart and eat us raw! Aw shit!"

"Wait, Sherry! Come back!" shouted Claire from the other room. The girl, now known as Sherry, darts right past the panicking Bubbles and into the darkness of the main antiques room. Claire walks out of the bright room and she turns to face the two guys. "Did any of you make an attempt to grab Sherry?"

"Who?" said Ricky, who was not familiar with the name.

"Sherry. The girl that just ran right past you guys," explained Claire.

"No, I thought you had her," replied Ricky.

"She just ran right past you," repeated Claire, a little annoyed. "One of you was supposed to..." She spots the long joint that Ricky was still smoking. A quarter of it had already been converted into ashes. "Ricky, what the hell is that?"

"Just a joint that I've been savouring," answered Ricky.

"Get rid of it," she demanded.

"Fuck, no," said Ricky, raising his voice. "This is my dope and I'm not gonna just throw it away."

"Hey! Lose the joint or lose the plant!" Claire shouted back at Ricky.

"Alright. Alright. Fine...Jesus," complied Ricky, taking the joint out of his mouth and throwing it down on the floor. He squishes it with his right foot and sighs to himself. "Man, what a waste of fucking good dope."

"Listen. I don't care about your dope," said Claire. "Finding Sherry is more important than anything else at the moment. We cannot leave her out there alone with those zombies and monsters."

"Well, then we need to find her fast," added Bubbles, who was still panicking, "before the Samsquich does."

"The what?" asked Claire, wondering what the hell a Samsquich was.

"The fucking Samsquich, Claire," explained Bubbles. "It's probably some seven foot, hairy Samsquich with red evil eyes and teeth sharp enough to tear apart a propane tank, and..."

"Bubbles, calm down," interrupted Claire. "So far, we don't even know what made that noise just now. It could be anything. All I know is that I sure as hell don't wanna find out. We should get moving and find Sherry." Ricky picks up his dope plant off the floor and joins Claire and Bubbles. The group starts their walk towards the door that led out of the antiques room.

"But what if I'm right?" continued Bubbles. "What if there is a fucking Samsquich?"

* * *

Just outside the weapons storage in the RPD basement, Leon swipes a red keycard through the electronic lockpad beside a steel door. The green light instantly turns blue and the lockpad beeps, followed by a hard clink in the door. Julian is shouting and arguing with Randy.

"Do I look like a fucking zombie to you, Randy?" Julian said angrily at Randy. "Watch where you're pointing that shotgun before you even think about pulling that trigger."

"Sorry, Julian," responded Randy. "There was just so many zombies around me in that morgue, I couldn't tell the difference between you and someone trying to devour me." Leon opens the door and he steps into a ravaged and dusty storage room. Various ammunition boxes, both empty and half full, are scattered all over the floor and the surfaces of shelves. In front of him stood a set of four lockers. Only one of them remained closed among the other gaping three. Julian and Randy are still arguing outside the room.

"How could you not tell the difference!" shouted Julian. "Leon and I were the only ones, besides you, who were wielding guns."

"Guys? If you haven't noticed, the door's open," Leon said to the two guys from Sunnyvale Trailer Park. They walk into the weapons storage and Julian looks around at the floor and shelves.

"Jesus, Leon," said Julian after he saw the heavy mess that surrounded him and his companions. "It looks like someone's already searched through here. Are you sure there's anything left?"

"I hope so," replied Leon. "Even some extra ammo will do us some good, but it would be better if we could find something that has more firepower than the guns back in the S.T.A.R.S offices. I'm going to search around and salvage what I can find. You guys should do the same as well." He walks over to a nearby shelf and grabs a couple of boxes with 9mm pistol rounds in them. He empties the rounds into a small, black pack on his belt and resumes his search on another shelf. Julian finds another box of 9mm rounds on the other side of the room and shoves the ammunition into his right hand pocket. Meanwhile, Randy curiously walks over to the closed locker and opens it slightly. Inside, he finds a Mac 10 submachine gun and a side pack. His eyes widen with amazement as he lays down his shotgun and reaches in to grab the submachine gun. He observes every corner of the automatic weapon with both hands.

"Holy shit!" Randy said to himself as he gazed upon the firearm. "A real machine gun. Just like in those cool action movies."

"What?" said a shocked Julian after he heard Randy say "machine gun". He looks up to see Randy fiddling around with the gun. His eyes are stunned with fear. "Oh shit!" Immediately, he sprints towards Randy with his arms out and grips his hands on the gun. Randy tries to pull it away from Julian's grasp and the two begin to wrestle with the weapon. Leon turns his attention away from the shelves, wondering what the commotion was about.

"What the hell are you doing, Julian!" asked Randy. "I saw it first!"

"There's no way you're gonna be carrying that around me!" replied Julian. "I already don't trust you with that shotgun."

"You can have my shotgun if you want it," offered Randy, "but I'm taking this machine gun."

"I don't trust you with any kind of gun cause you keep constantly pointing at me," said Julian. "Give it up!"

"Guys! Watch it!" warned Leon. "That thing could be..." Before he could finish, Julian tries to rip the gun of Randy's hands by yanking it over to his right side. The barrel starts to point near Leon and Randy accidently gets his finger caught in the trigger guard. The trigger tightens and a short burst of gunfire rings outs. Leon quickly drops to the floor as a hail of bullets fly just inches above his head. A surprised Randy immediately lets go of the submachine gun and Julian ends up dropping it by accident. Leon furiously lifts himself up. "Son of a bitch! What the fuck are you both trying to do! Blow my head off!"

"I had nothing to do with this," denied Julian. "Randy is too much of a klutz to be carrying a gun around in the first place."

"Bullshit!" Randy said to Julian. "You were trying to pull it out of my hands and I got my finger caught in..."

"Enough!" yelled Leon at the top of his lungs, silencing both Randy and Julian. After coming down with a few deep breaths, he walks over to them and picks up the submachine gun, which was resting on the floor next to some empty cartridges with a smoking barrel. "I will take this gun and use it. If we want to get out of this city alive, then you guys are gonna have to stop this useless arguing and start focusing on our survival. Alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. Alright," replied Julian.

"And one more thing," continued Leon. "If we ever encounter Ada again, we gotta make sure she doesn't try to run off again. Lately, she's been getting very cocky and I don't want to lose her to some reckless act. Now let's get going." He turns and heads towards the steel door. Randy picks up his shotgun and follows him out.

"Fuck, I really need a drink," Julian sighed to himself as he walks out of the storage room to join the others.

To Be Continued.

* * *

"Samsquich" is not a spelling error. It's how Bubbles pronounces "Sasquatch" in the show. 


	6. Chapter 5

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

Claire, Ricky, and Bubbles find themselves back in the Chief of Police's office. Unlike the other rooms they had visited throughout the undead-conquered station, this place was not ruined or damaged in any sort of way, except for a small bloodstain on the antique desk. It was a taxidormy setting complete with mounted animal heads and trophies. Antique cabinets, oil paintings, and various expensive collectibles fill all four walls. Standing alone beside the desk, Sherry stares at a corner of the room nearby a large, crooked oil painting. Claire takes notice of the young girl and she immediately walks over to her.

"Sherry, it's good to see that you're okay," said Claire, placing her hand on Sherry's left shoulder. The girl barely moved an inch. "I was so worried." Sherry continues to stare at the corner. "Are you alright? Is there something that's bothering you?"

"Claire?" replied Sherry. "I think I just heard my dad calling my name behind that wall, but I can't find anyway to get to him."

"Your dad?" wondered Claire. "Are you sure you heard him behind there?"

"I don't know," said Sherry, who seemed confused. "I'm not sure if it was him or I'm just imagining things. It wouldn't be surprising if he's really here at the police station because I was told to come here." The sound of glass shattering startles both Claire and Sherry and they turn to see where the noise came from. Ricky has broken into an old liquor cabinet. Glass shards were scattered on the floor below him and his dope plant rests on top of the desk. Bubbles stood right beside Ricky, facing him as he carried on a conversation with his friend.

"Shit, Ricky." said Bubbles. "Did you really have to break the glass on this cabinet? The damn thing's a fucking antique."

"Well, I couldn't open the doors cause they're locked and I don't see a key around here," responded Ricky. "So far, the only way I see of getting to the booze is by breaking this cheap-ass glass." He reaches into the cabinet and grabs a bottle of whiskey.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Bubbles.

"Why not?" replied Ricky. "I need something to fucking drink."

"I mean, don't you think it be best to remain sober until we're out of this mess?" Bubbles continued to question Ricky. "Like what are you gonna do when the Samsquitch rears its ugly head and you're drunk and fucked up on drugs?"

"Who are those guys?" Sherry asked Claire.

"Sherry, meet Ricky and Bubbles," she replied with a sigh.

"I hope this Samsquitch thing's not something you've heard from Lahey," said Ricky. "You know that everything he says is complete bullshit."

"No, I rarely listen to Lahey," replied Bubbles. "Lahey's fucked."

"Ricky, don't drink too much of that stuff," warned Claire, as Ricky started to unscrew the bottle cap.

"Why not?" said Ricky. "I've fired off guns before when I was drunk."

"Did you manage to hit anything," asked Claire, "hopefully not something you've never intended to shoot?"

"I can't remember," replied Ricky. "Must've been fucked up at the time."

"Could you please watch your language!" asked Claire, raising her voice. "There's a little girl present."

"It's okay, Claire," said Sherry. "I've heard it all before." Claire looks back at the young girl.

"Alright, Sherry. As long as it doesn't bother you," she said with a smile and a soft voice. Actually taking notice of her after re-entering the Chief's office, Ricky places the liquor back in its cabinet and walks over to Sherry. He extends his open palm out towards her.

"Hey, I'm Ricky," he introduced himself. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking," answered Sherry, shaking his hand. She takes a glance over at Bubbles, who's slightly shaking and nervously looking around. Then she looks at Ricky. "Is you friend okay? He looks like he's sick or something."

"Don't worry about Bubbles. He's fine," said Ricky. "He's just a bit scared like the rest of us. Me, him, and Julian. We all want to get the hell outta this place and back home to Sunnyvale."

"Sunnyvale? Where's that?" asked Sherry.

"It's the best goddamn trailer park in the whole world," replied Ricky. "It's not far from Halifax."

"Oh cool! You guys are from Canada," said Sherry with a spark of excitement. "I have a pen pal who lives in Hamilton, Ontario."

"Oh...that's cool," said Ricky, who didn't really know what to say in response.

Meanwhile as Sherry and Ricky continue their conversation and Claire stands nearby to listen, Bubbles is drawn to the strange, crooked oil painting behind the desk. He heads over to it with curiousity. He grabs two opposite corners of the oak frame and tries to straighten it out, but the picture would not budge. Near the bottom-right corner of the frame, Bubbles notices a tiny switch. He flicks it up and the painting suddenly slides over to the left, revealing a hidden Aztec picture carved into stone. Three deep square slots burrow into the large stone tablet.

"Holy fuck!" said a surprised Bubbles. "The Chief must've been into James Bond movies cause he's used this picture to hide some secret...stone thingy." The others turn to see what Bubbles had just found and they too are astonished by the discovery.

"What is that?" asked Claire.

"The fuck should I know?" replied Bubbles. "It looks like a big hunk of stone with some shit drawn on there and some holes." Claire walks over to the Aztec picture and she curiously examines the slots.

"Something must fit into each of these slots," said Claire. "See if you can find any objects that are square and the right size." Everyone inside the upper-class room begins to search through its contents. Bubbles observes the top of the desk before eventually moving onto a cabinet on the other side of the room. Claire looks through the desk drawers. Ricky goes back to the liquor cabinet in search for more alcoholic drinks, already forgotten what he was really supposed to look for. As they all went through drawers, cabinets, and cupboards, Sherry spots three stone blocks, each with a different Aztec carving of an animal, concealed in a thick glass slab. The glass was centered in a very thin brass frame and it rested on a low table underneath the animal heads.

"Guys, I think those blocks over there might be what we're looking for," said Sherry, pointing at the glass slab. The others take notice and Bubbles walks over to the glass display. He picks it up and carefully observes it for anything that might indicate where to open up the display, but with no luck.

"Damn it!" said Bubbles. "I don't know how to open this."

"Here, let me try," insisted Ricky. Bubbles hands the glass display over to him and he too examines it. There was nothing that resembled an opening on the glass nor the frame. "Aww, fuck it," Frustrated, Ricky throws the display down hard on the polished wooden floor in front of him. The glass slab shatters into hundreds of pieces and everyone else steps back at least a foot or two. The stone blocks rest unharmed on the floor, along with scattered pieces of glass and an empty frame.

"Fuck, Ricky," ranted Bubbles. "There you go again breaking the Chief's shit. Break, break, break. I hope you didn't break those blocks"

"The fucking blocks are fine," said Ricky. "Besides, the thing they were sealed in was a piece of shit."

"Anything that's not dope, booze, or food is a piece of shit to you, Ricky," said Bubbles. Ricky stacks the stone blocks on top of each other before lifting them off the floor. He hands them over to Claire, who's waiting for him nearby the slots.

* * *

Leon, who's now armed with the submachine gun he swiped earlier from Randy, leads his group down the dark hallway that led to the dog kennels and the cellblock. The place was cold and silent until a bone-chilling scream suddenly echoes through the atmosphere. They stop moving. Soon, they recognize the familiar voice. It was Ben's.

"Ben!" yelled Leon. "Are you okay!...Ben!" There was no answer except his own voice echoing off the walls.

"Maybe some zombies finally got into that cell of his," said Julian.

"Or something worse," added Leon. "Stay close and be prepared for anything." The three race down the hallway with their guns clutched in their hands. The cellblock gate had been ripped open. More than half of the metal entrance laid on the concrete floor, twisted and mangled. Ben was found sitting on the floor. His back was rested on a cold wall next to where the cell door used to be. It was located on the far side of the cell and it looked as if it had been kicked in with unbelievable force. Ben's breathing was heavy and he appeared exhausted. Leon rushes over to him. "Ben! Can you hear me? Come on. Answer!" Ben slowly turns his head towards Leon in response.

"Damn," replied Ben. "I thought I was safe in that cell. I thought that thing would never find me here. It must've smelled me."

"I told you it was a stupid idea to stay in there," said Julian, "but you didn't listen."

"Shut up, Julian!" angerily shouted Ben. "I'd never asked for your advice." He unleashes a short episode of deep coughs and looks up at Leon. He reaches into his left hand pocket of his dress pants and pulls out a folded set of papers. "These letters...They come from an Umbrella scientist named Dr. William Birkin. They're addressed to Brian Irons, the Chief of Police. He's a traitor to the citizens of this city. He's been working for those responsible for fucking up everything here." He gives the papers to Leon. "Go get that son of a bitch! Make him pay!"

"Hang in there, Ben!" ordered Leon as Ben slowly brings himself up. The ill man starts to back away from Leon and the others. His hands tightly grip his chest and sweat drizzles down his face. He moans in agony.

"Arrgggghh!...My chest!...It's burning," Ben yelled in pain.

"Holy shit! He's mutating!" shouted Randy, who was stirred up and scared. He quickly raises his shotgun and aims the barrel at Ben. A powerful spray of pellets penetrate the suffering reporter's chest. He stumbles backwards into the shelf behind him and falls onto the floor dead. Julian grabs Randy's shotgun and stares at him angerily.

"What the hell were you doing, Randy!" he shouted. "He was still alive and human!"

"But he was about to mutate into something, I swear," replied Randy.

"He was just holding his chest," said Julian. "For all I know, he probably just had heartburn." Suddenly, a spray of blood shoots out of the right shoulder of Ben's corpse. The group turns to see an odd tadpole-like creature tear its way through the flesh and bone. Its skin was pinkish and dirty with blood. Julian takes his hand off of the shotgun as the creature jumps out towards them and crawls along the concrete floor. "Oh shit!" Julian reaches for his pistol and starts shooting at the slithering creature. Randy comes to his aid and he too fires in panic, but they both end up missing every shot. Leon calmly backs off from the triggerhappy duel after recalling his experience in the weapons storage room. The creature nears the broken cellblock gate, but is shot dead before it could escape. The two finally cease fire and they both curiously stare at the strange lifeform. Wondering where the accurate shot came from, the group looks up to see Ada walking in. Smoke rose from the muzzle of her pistol.

"Good god, what is that?" she asked, looking down at the dead creature.

"Beats me," replied Julian. "It just bursted out of Ben."

"Are you alright, Ada?" asked Leon, walking towards her.

"Don't worry about me," replied Ada. "I know how to take care of myself. I'll catch up with you later," She turns around and starts to head back down the hallway.

"Wait a minute!" shouted Leon. Ada stops and she turns around to face him. "Where are you going?"

"To the chemical plant," she answered. "I have a feeling that's where I'll find John." She turns back to run down the hallway and out of sight.

"Ada! Wait!" yelled Leon. There was no answer. Ada's loud footsteps gradually fade away into silence.

"So much for trying to tame her," commented Randy. Leon grabs the radio off his belt and he raises it up to the front of his mouth. Pressing down a black button on one side, he speaks into it.

"Claire, this is Leon. Are you there?" he said. Three seconds later, Claire's voice could be heard within the radio's static.

"I'm here, Leon," she answered. "What's up?"

"We now have access to the back of the parking lot," explained Leon. "We're getting outta here through the sewers. Can you meet us there?"

"Actually, we're in the police chief's office and we just found some secret elevator behind the desk," said Claire. "It might lead us to the sewers as well, but I'm going to check it out first."

"Okay, but be careful," said Leon.

"I will, Leon" replied Claire. "Hopefully, this secret passage will lead us outta this..." Suddenly, Leon could hear a struggle from the other side of the connection. "Ricky, what the hell are you doing!...Give it back!...Ricky!" As soon as the struggle subsided, Leon starts to hear Ricky's angered voice explode from the radio. Even Julian and Randy could hear him.

"Hey, is that fucking cheeseburger elf Randy there!" yelled Ricky.

"Yes, Ricky," replied Leon with a sigh. "Everyone is here. Now put Claire back..."

"Randy!" interrupted Ricky. "If you and your fucking burger gut is listening, what kind of fucking sick fantasy were you trying to pull off! Fucking viagra in cheeseburgers! That's fucking sick shit! You're a sick piece of shit, Randy!" You better be fucking glad that..." Another struggle could be heard as Ricky tries to continue his stream of profanity. "Hey!...I'm not finished!...Gimme that!...Bubs, what the fuck are you doing!...Let me go!"

"Are you still there, Leon?" spoke Claire after regaining control of her radio.

"I'm still here," he replied.

"I should probably go now before Ricky tries to swipe the radio from me again," said Claire.

"I understand," said Leon. "I hope to see you in the sewers soon." The static turns silent and he places his radio back onto his belt.

* * *

After finishing her conversation with Leon over the connection, Claire stuffs her radio back into the right-hand pocket of her shorts. Ricky stands nearby the liquor cabinet. His arms were being held back by Bubbles, who's standing right behind him. A shade of red slowly fades away from Ricky's face as he begins to gradually calm down. Sherry waits nearby the desk with Claire.

"Bubs, you can let go of me now," said Ricky. Bubbles responds and he frees him from his grip. "What the fuck, Claire? I wasn't finished."

"Oh yes you were," angrily replied Claire, "and next time, don't ever grab the radio from me again or I'll smack you across the face with it."

"Sure, whatever," said Ricky. "Just chill out."

"I'm gonna go take that elevator and see what's down there," said Claire. "I would like you and Bubbles to stay here and look after Sherry until I get back. Okay?"

"Sure, no problem," replied Ricky.

"Good. Then I'm going down," said Claire. She heads towards the secret entrance in the open corner of the office, but before she could disappear behind the wall, Sherry speaks.

"You will be back, right?" she asked. Claire walks back towards Sherry and she kneels down to the girl's height.

"Of course I'll be back, Sherry," she replied softly. "I would never leave you and the guys here alone. I promise." Claire smiles and the two embrace in a warm hug before she started walking back to the mysterious hallway and elevator. Sherry, Ricky, and Bubbles could then hear the elevator screeching and grinding as it descended into the unknown. After a few short moments of silence, Sherry looks at Ricky with a confused look.

"Viagra in cheeseburgers?" she wondered.

"It's a long story," responded Ricky.

To Be Continued.


	7. Chapter 6

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz 

Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

"Are you sure you won't do it?" Randy asked Leon.

"No, Randy. I won't," he replied.

"Honestly?" said Randy. "You're not gonna arrest me of we make it out of this city alive, right?" The steel door near the top of a rusty balcony opens outward and Leon walks into a large concrete room which housed the entrance to the sewers, followed by Randy and Julian. A stairway, coated in brownish-red rust, leads down to the cold shores of the murky waste water. The atmosphere was engulfed in the foul stench of rotting feces and other various types of undesirable waste.

"Don't worry," Leon replied again, who was starting to get a little annoyed. "I'm not gonna arrest you. Now please, drop it already."

"But I can't, Leon," continued a worried Randy. "I just killed an unarmed person. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to deal with that." Leon stops just before the stairs and turns to face Randy. Calming himself down, he lets out a long sigh.

"Randy, what you did back in the cellblock was the right thing," he said. "Shooting Ben before that thing bursted out of him may have saved him from living through the horrific pain he would've experienced if he was kept alive. Okay?"

"Thanks," said Randy. "I'll try not to let it bother me too much...God, I hope Mr. Lahey never finds out, if he's still alive."

"Fuck Lahey," was Julian's response. "He's usually too busy dimming his mind with liquor. Besides, he will never find out if you don't tell him." A crumbling sound that seemed to come from the celling startles the group and they curiously look around.

"There," said Leon, pointing to a location on the ceiling where tiny clouds of dust rained from the source of the sound. The concrete then collapses onto the floor below and Ada falls through the newly-created hole. She hits the awaiting surface hard but manages to bring herself up. She did not appear to be injured, except for a few cuts and scrapes. The men were surprised to see her again for the fouth time. "Ada!" Not expecting to run into the group again, Ada turns to see Leon running down the stairway towards her. Then they stare at each other face to face.

"What the hell was that about?" said Leon angerily. "You've got to stop running off like that or you might end up dead just like Ben."

"I was there, Leon. I know," said Ada.

"Look Ada," said Leon after a short pause. "As a police officer, it is my job to look out for you, Julian, and Randy. But we'll never get through this alive if we don't all work together. Okay?"

"Alright," replied Ada. "We'll do this your way, for now."

* * *

It has only been a short while since Claire rode the elevator down to see what Chief Irons had been hiding. Sherry quietly sits on the floor with her legs bent inwards, nearby the secret entrance. Next to the office's main entrance, Bubbles stands with his grenade launcher ready. His trigger finger shakes and he looks as if he's determined to do something. Ricky rests in the desk chair with his body flopped down in it. His dope plant peaks on top of the old desk. He waits patiently with everyone else for Claire's return.

"Ricky, do you think Claire's gonna come back soon?" asked Sherry.

"I don't know," replied Ricky. "She might. She could take about five minutes or twenty minutes to do what she's doing before heading back here. But I wouldn't worry too much. She's a fucking strong girl. She will come back."

"I hope so," said Sherry.

"Damn it, I can't stand it anymore!" shouted Bubbles. "I need to get back at those zombie bastards some more. Maybe I'll blow away a few with my boomstick." He swings open the wooden door next to him. "Guys, I'm going out hunting."

"Whoa, hold on a sec, Bubs," said Ricky before his friend could leave. "You need to fucking conserve your grenades."

"But I still have a shitload of those, Ricky," continued Bubbles. "I just wanna use a couple more on some fucking undead dickweeds. And if I ever see that Samsquitch, I'll bolt back here before he could notice me." He walks out into the hallway, slamming the door behind him. Silence settles back in. After a brief period with no spark of conversation, Ricky stands up and grabs a couple leaves off his dope plant.

"Man, I'm still hungry for some more ja-lap-eno chips," he said. "I'm going over to the vending machine. Do you want anything?"

"No thank you, I'm fine," replied Sherry.

"Okay, but if you change your mind, you can have some of my chips," said Ricky.

"Thanks, Ricky," said Sherry with a smile. Ricky picks up his shotgun, which was lying next to the dope plant on the desk, and begins to head towards the door. "Uhh, Ricky?" He stops right in front of the door and looks back at Sherry. "It's pronounced jalapeno, not ja-lap-eno."

"Now you're starting to sound like Claire," said Ricky with a laugh. He leaves the office. Sherry continues to sit and wait for Claire, only this time she's alone. She curiously stares at Ricky's dope.

* * *

Somewhere on the dark, empty streets of Raccoon City, Jim Lahey rests in the driver's seat of his parked blue car. A four-way intersection lies in front of the vehicle. The whole area was completely silent, except for a few groans from, more likely, nearby zombies. The keys dangled from the ignition but the car was turned off. A glass bottle is held in Lahey's right hand. It was full with bourbon whiskey. He looks down at the liquor bottle and smiles as he unscrews the top.

"Do you mind if I have a drink?" Lahey happily said to himself. "Don't mind if I do." He brings the ridged neck to his lips and downs a long sip. His face muscles cringe as the whiskey passed through his mouth and down his throat. After setting down the bottle, he stares at it again. "Do you mind if I have another drink?...Sure, knock yourself out." Lahey takes another long sip and then screws the top back on. His head nods a little from side to side as the alcohol began to dull him.

"Well, I guess I don't have to deal with Julian and his two buddies anymore for a long time," Lahey continued to talk alone. "They took the shithighway back to prison and I supplied the local police with sufficient evidence. As soon as I get back home, I'll be able to run Sunnyvale Trailer Park my way with no problems and Randy will still be my assistant supervisor. Now all I have to do is catch Julian's two dumbass lackeys." Suddenly, he hears some loud banging coming from his side window. Lahey slowly turns his head to see a bloodthirsty zombie trying to get at him. It slams its rotting hands against the safety glass. He stares at the zombie and then wonders to himself. "What the hell's going on in this town? Is there some kind of local special event where the whole city gets drunk or something? Wow, I guess I came here at the right time. Here's to you, buddy." He holds up the liquor bottle in front of the zombie's face. The sound of an approaching vehicle grows louder from the right side of the intersection. Lahey turns, accidently dropping the bottle onto his lap, and looks to see a small car speeding across the street. He catches a brief glimpse of the vehicle's occupants. It was Cory and Trevor.

"Did you shitratlings think you could elude me that easily?" said an angry, drunk Lahey. "Well, you don't know Officer Jim Lahey." He quickly turns the keys in the ignition and the car starts. Shifting into drive, he steps on the gas and the back tires squeal. The zombie ends up rolling along the blue car's side before falling onto the pavement. Due to Lahey's drunken state, he ends up knocking down a nearby stop sign before making a wide left turn, running over another sign. He accelerates down the road in pursuit of the other car.

* * *

In the hallway that stretched down to the office's entrance, Ricky and Bubbles walk towards the old wooden door. Ricky is smoking a wrapped joint and holding a small bag of jalapeno-flavoured chips in one hand and his shotgun in the other. Bubbles calmly holds his grenade launcher which now reeked of gun residue.

"Jesus, Ricky. More chips?" said Bubbles. "Are you still hungry after seeing all those charred zombies that I had blown up just recently?"

"Don't fucking remind me, Bubbles!" responded Ricky. "I don't wanna lose my appetite."

"Sorry, Ricky. I was just asking," apologized Bubbles. "Did you make sure Sherry was alright and safe before leaving to get your chips?"

"Don't worry, she's fine," replied Ricky. He turns the brass knob and opens the door into the office. "She's still in here safe and..." Before he could finish his sentence, Ricky gasps and his eyes widen. Bubbles pushes past him and he scans the office. Sherry was nowhere to be found, but Ricky's eyes were focused right on the desk's surface. More than a quarter of his dope plant had been stripped away. "What the fuck happened to my dope! Someone or something's stole some of my dope!" Ricky drops his shotgun and chips and darts over to the dope plant to examine it. His joint is planted between two of his fingers.

"Aren't you smoking some of that dope right now?" asked Bubbles. "You know. The joint you're holding there."

"I only took a couple of leaves before I left, " furiously replied Ricky. "Fuck! Almost half of the plant his gone."

"Not just that, Ricky," said Bubbles. "Sherry's gone too."

"What!" shouted Ricky, looking around the room. "Aww fuck! Where is she!"

"I don't know!" answered a panicking Bubbles. "Aww shit. Maybe the fucking Samsquitch was here. It probably came here and took Sherry and ate some of your dope. Aww no! It's probably after Claire now." Ricky hears a light groan that seemed to be coming from behind the desk. He and Bubbles quickly rush around the old structure of wood to find Sherry huddled up underneath it, groaning and holding her kness.

"Sherry, what happened?" asked Ricky. "Are you okay?" The little girl looks up at the two guys. Her eyes looked tiresome and she seemed a little dizzy.

"What?...Oh, hi guys." she replied.

"Sherry, what happened?" repeated Ricky. "What happened to my dope?"

"Well, I had a stomach ache that was just killing me," explained Sherry. "My mother once told me about a green herb that grew just outside the city limits. She said it could help cure certain illnesses and ease pain. I thought the plant on the desk was one of those herbs, but I'm not so sure if it was. Now everything feels a bit weird and I'm actually kind of hungry."

"Holy shit, Ricky!" shouted Bubbles. "She's fucking baked!"

"Baked?" laughed Sherry. "Ah, you're so funny." She holds up one hand and stares at it with amazement. "Wow. For some reason, my fingers are amazing."

"This is bad, Ricky," said Bubbles. "Really bad."

"Bubs, don't worry," said Ricky, trying to calm Bubbles down. "I know how to deal with stoned people."

"I'm not talking about that," continued Bubbles. "If Claire walks in here and sees all of this, she's gonna fucking flip out."

"Shit, you're right!" said Ricky. "What the fuck are we gonna do?" They both stand up and run to the center of the office in panic.

"Get rid of that joint, Ricky!" shouted Bubbles. "It looks bad!"

"Where the hell am I supposed to stash it!" asked Ricky, searching around to find a place to hide his burning joint.

"I don't know!" was Bubbles' response. He continues to panic. Finally, he sees the door that led back to the antiques rooms. "Fuck this. I'm outta here." Bubbles makes a dash for the door and he exits through. Ricky, still trying to dispose his joint in a hurry, spots the secret entrance. Immediately, he hurls it towards the opening. However, he did not expect Claire to appear around the corner and the joint ends up striking her left leg. She jumps back as the ashes burned her skin.

"Ow! What the hell are you doing!" she shouted.

"Nothing. Just a bad joint, that's all," replied Ricky.

"How's Sherry doing?" asked Claire, stepping into the office.

"Well, she's fine but she's kind of...Well, you know," spoke Ricky, who was having a difficult time trying to explain the current situation.

"What? What are you talking about?" asked Claire, wondering what Ricky was trying to say.

"Well she's...Aww fuck. How should I put..." Before Ricky could finish, Claire looks to her left and she quickly notices Sherry underneath the desk.

"Sherry!" Claire shouted in worry as she rushed over to check on the girl. "Are you alright?...Speak to me."

"Claire...You're back," responded Sherry.

"Sherry, are you sick?" asked Claire. Do you need..."

"Claire?" interrupted Sherry.

"Yes?" she replied.

"You look different," commented Sherry.

"What do you mean?" said Claire. "I haven't changed at all. I'm still the same person."

"Your nose," Sherry pointed out. "Do you have a third nostril or something?"

"No," replied Claire, touching her nose. "Why?" An odd smell reeked from Sherry's breath and she caught a strong waft of it. "Wait a minute. That smells just like...weed." She slowly stands up and observes the partly eaten dope plant. Then she looks and glares at Ricky, who was wide-eyed and had a, somewhat, guilty expression on his face. Clenching her teeth behind her lips, Claire raises her right arm and aims her index finger at him as she gradually approached him from behind the desk. Ricky slowly starts to back away.

"Listen, Claire," he said. "I can explain everything."

"Then you'd better have a real fucking good explanation cause I'm about to make your life so miserable you'll wish you had never met me!" yelled the furious young woman.

"Listen, I was just out getting some chips..."

"And then you came back here and got Sherry stoned," interrupted Claire under a heavy breath. "Is that right, Ricky?" She shoves Ricky farther back until he was right up against a wooden shelf. "Well, is it!"

"Chill the fuck out! Please!" pleaded Ricky. In response, Claire kness him hard in the groin. He yells in pain as he grasps his sensitive area and lowers himself to the floor. "Arrrgggh!...Fuck!...Uh, my fucking!...Urgggh!"

"Don't tell me to chill out!" yelled Claire. "You did this! You're the one who owns that shit you've been smoking!"

"Arrgghh!...My fucking nuts!" cursed Ricky.

"Oh quit whining about that," said Claire. "Nothing's broken." Her fury and anger begins to slowly fade away and she calms down. "Now you listen to me. I've found a way into the sewers and we're going there. If I ever see a joint or any dope on you or near Sherry, I'll be busting more than just your balls. You got that?" Ricky slowly lifts himself up, still holding his groin with one hand. He looks at Claire.

"Yes. Sure, I promise," answered Ricky. "Just don't deck me again."

"Good," said Claire. "Now get your stuff and let's go, but leave the dope here." She heads over to the desk to collect Sherry. Ricky turns his head towards the door where Bubbles left through.

"Bubs, it's safe," he said to the door. "You can come back in now." As Ricky goes to reclaim his shotgun and chips, the door slightly opens ajar. Within the dark crack, Bubbles peers in. His eyes nervously wander about, making sure it was safe enough to enter.

To Be Continued.


	8. Chapter 7

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

In one of the two small sewage control rooms, Ada and Julian stand and wait nearby a dark alcove. A steel ladder descends into a pitch black storage room, partially illuminated by a flame from Leon's lighter. Randy is sound asleep in a desk chair next to the operation controls. The controls form a long L-shape in one corner of the room. In the corner opposite from the controls, a red grate elevator spreads over a deep, dim shaft.

"Does that guy ever wear a shirt?" Ada asked Julian, glancing over at the snoring Randy.

"Nope," was Julian's short reply.

"Not even during winter?" she asked again.

"Nope. He's shirtless all year round," said Julian. "Why, does it bother you?"

"Not really," replied Ada. "I've seen worse. I'm just curious how he manages to stay warm when it's freezing."

"That still remains a mystery, even to me," said Julian with an amused smile. "Maybe his extra layer of fat acts like a fur coat...I'm kind of surprised you're actually standing in here with us rather than running off to somewhere else."

"Well, I just want to wait and see how the great rookie cop, Leon, plans to lead us to safety." Their conversation is suddenly halted by the echoing sounds of objects falling over. Ada and Julian stare down the black abyss.

"Ow! Shit!" yelled Leon from the dark storage room.

"Leon, are you okay?" asked Ada.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just stubbed my toe on a metal shelf," responded Leon. "God damn it! It's nearly impossible to see anything down here. Hey, do you think one of you guys could look around up there for a flashlight?"

"Sure. No problem," replied Julian. Observing his surroundings, he spots an isolated pair of sheet metal lockers, which he and Leon had moved earlier to get access to the alcove. The lockers rested against a wall facing the nearest end of the sewage controls. Julian walks over and opens the one on his left first.

"Those lockers don't look too sturdy," warned Ada. "Are you sure you want to screw around with them?"

"They're sturdy enough," replied Julian. "They're not gonna fall over." He searches through the open locker, throwing out some tools, papers, and other miscellanious items. After it had been completely deprived of its contents, Julian opens the next locker and continues his search. Finally, he comes across a long, black flashlight. He reaches in, grabs it, and then makes his way back to the alcove. Due to their uneven state, the now empty lockers slowly begin to tip over. Then they pick up speed and crash down hard onto a portion of the controls, causing everyone in the room to jump. Even Randy is startled out of his peaceful sleep by the loud crash. Sparks fly from the controls that were struck by the fallen lockers.

"What the fuck is going on up there!" yelled Leon.

"Nothing," answered Julian. "Everything's fine. I just found a flashlight for you."

"So, are you still sure those lockers are sturdy?" asked Ada with a hint of sarcasm.

"Shut up," said Julian.

* * *

In a dim sewer passageway, Claire carries a stoned Sherry, who's sound asleep, over her shoulder. She and her other companions stand in the murky, ankle-deep water as they observe the gloomy scene in front of them. A set of rusted metal bars block off the rest of the main tunnel. However, a smaller hallway branches off before the bars and onto drier concrete. A nearby drain slowly opens ajar and water begins to rush towards the alternate route. Bubbles is startled as he feels the weak current flow by his legs. 

"Ahhh! Something licked me!" he shouted.

"Bubbles, calm down," said Ricky. "It's just a fucking sewer drain sucking in water."

"This is a bad idea. A real bad idea," said Bubbles nervously. "Claire, are you sure Leon told us to meet him down here?"

"He said it to me over the radio loud and clear," replied Claire. "We're supposed to meet him in the sewer. Where? I don't know."

"I think Leon's out of his fucking mind," commented Bubbles. "Anything could be down here in this shitty place. Maybe the Samsquitch himself lives down here. Maybe there's some kind of fucking mutated shit-turds hiding underwater."

"Now what the fuck are you going on about?" said Ricky. "You know, I'm really starting to think that Lahey's said something to you."

"Bubbles, you really need to calm down," added Claire in a less harsher tone compared to Ricky's. "Besides, it's probably safer down here than on the streets with those zombies."

"Yeah, and there's no way shit's gonna come alive and attack us," continued Ricky. "That's just insane."

"Anyway, we should get going," said Claire. "Leon's probably waiting for us somewhere and I definitely do not want to stand here for much longer." She and Ricky continue down the tunnel through the sewage water before eventually stepping onto the dry concrete in the adjacent hallway. Bubbles thinks to himself for a short while before rejoining the group.

"Damn, everything's fucked up," he thought aloud. "First, I end up trapped in a city full of zombies, then that drunken bastard Lahey tries to be a cop and cuffs me, and now I'm right here in a sewer with shit-turds swimming around my ankles. How could this day get more fucked up than it is now?"

* * *

A small red grate elevator descends into a lower level of the sewer system, carrying a cluttered group consisting of Leon, Ada, Julian, and Randy down with it. Reaching the bottom of the shaft, they find themselves in a narrow, concrete hallway with a similar elevator shaft on the other side. An adjacent hallway branches off. 

However, the first sight they saw was a blond, middle-aged woman standing in the middle of the hallway. She wore a white lab coat and carried a pistol in her right hand. Hearing the elevator come to a complete stop, she notices the four strangers and then makes a dash down the branching hallway in front of her. Ada immediately rushes after her.

"Ada, stop!" ordered Leon, but she ignores him and continues towards the junction before being greeted by gunfire. Two bullets fly past Ada to strike the wall behind her. Leon sprints towards Ada in an attempt to throw her out of harm's way. "Heads up!" He lunges out his arms and dives, pushing Ada out of the mysterious woman's aim. A bullet pierces through Leon's right shoulder and blood spews out. He falls to the floor unconscious. The sound of a door opening and closing motivates Ada to bring herself back up again. She looks down at Leon and then at Julian and Randy.

"I'm going after that woman," said Ada. "I need to have a talk with her and find out who she is."

"Wait a sec! What about Leon?" asked Julian, who was more concerned about the wounded cop more than the person who shot him. "He's on the floor fucking bleeding to death."

"You guys do whatever you can for him," answered Ada. "I'll catch up with you all later." She races down the branching hallway and exits through a metal door.

"What the hell are we gonna do, Julian?" asked a panicking Randy.

"Shut up! I'm thinking," replied Julian. Leon lets out a weak groan as he starts to regain consciousness. Julian and Randy rush over to help him sit up and lie his back against a hard wall. Dark red blood soaked the shoulder of his RPD uniform and he took slightly heavy breaths. "Leon, are you okay?"

"My shoulder hurts like hell and I'm bleeding like a faucet," responded Leon. "No, I'm not okay." Julian observes his shoulder and finds an exit bullet wound on the other side.

"Looks like the bullet went though," said Julian. "I need something to help stop the bleeding." Randy reaches into a side pocket of his pants and pulls out a crumpled cheeseburger wrapper. He shows the proposed bandage to Julian. "A cheeseburger wrapper? Don't you have anything else?"

"Sorry, Julian," said Randy. "This is all I have."

"Fine, then give it to me," said Julian. He grabs the wrapper out of Randy's hand and unfolds it until it was flattened out. Then he rips it in half and places a sheet on each side of the bullet wound. Suddenly, Leon screams in pain as the wrapping material made contact with his torn flesh. "what! Whats wrong!"

"Salt! Arrrggghh! There's salt on that wrapper!" yelled Leon. Julian quickly removes the two portions of the cheeseburger wrapper from Leon's wound. He gradually begins to calm down as some pain faded away.

"Shit!" Julian said to himself. "Now what am I supposed to use?" A red grate elevator descends down the other shaft, bringing Claire and Ricky into the hallway. Julian and Randy were surprised to see them again, although Julian wondered where his other friend, Bubbles, was. Claire notices the injured Leon sitting on the concrete floor.

"Leon!" she shouted as she immediately rushes over to him. Claire thoroughly examines the wound. Meanwhile, Ricky spots Randy and anger gradually bulids up inside his mind.

"Randy, you sick fuck!" cursed Ricky. In response, Randy slowly backs away as Ricky approaches him in an aggressive manner. Julian quickly steps in front of him and the two struggle with each other.

"Ricky, for Christ's sake, stop it!" demanded Julian, using most of his strength to hold back the furious Ricky.

"Get outta my way, Julian!" shouted Ricky. "Randy spiked our fucking cheeseburgers with viagra!"

"Ricky! Just drop that shit already!" continued Julian.

"Drop it?" said Ricky. "That..."

"Listen!" interrupted Julian. Ricky stops struggling and removes his arms from Julian. He begins to calm down, but still keeps a fixed angry glare on Randy. "What's done is done. Randy had forgotten all about the viagra until after we'd left the S.T.A.R.S. office. He was gonna tell you guys, but you were all long gone."

"Yeah, Ricky," said Randy in a rude voice. "The cheeseburgers were initially for me, but I decided to be generous."

"Hey, Randy. Knock-knock," said Ricky, beginning what sounded like a knock-knock joke.

"Who's there?" sighed Randy.

"A fat, cheeseburger-inhaling dick who's a fucking viagra addict and hangs around most of the time with a trailer park supervisor who's drunk and dumb as fuck and..."

"That's enough, Ricky!" angrily interrupted Julian. As he, Ricky, and Randy turned their attention towards Leon, Claire speaks to the cop.

"What happened, Leon?" she asked. "You're bleeding."

"Well...There's this woman," explained Leon, feeling a little weak. "Her name is...Ada...When I was trying to help her,...Somebody tried to kill me..She went after the person who shot me, but...she might be in danger...I must find her...I must find her now."

"Leon, you're hurt," said Claire. "You're in no shape to go after anyone. I think there's a first aid kit somewhere up in the room that I was just in. I'll be right back." She heads over to the elevator behind her and motions to press a button on the controls.

"Claire, where's Bubbles?" asked Julian. "Is he alright?"

"He's up in the control room with Sherry," replied Claire, pointing a finger at the shaft above her. "He's fine, just a little scared. That's all." She presses the button and the elevator slowly lifts her up towards the dark and dusty shaft.

* * *

The reunited band of survivors, excluding Ada, wade through the sewage water of a partially-lit passageway in the sewers. The solid concrete walls were riddled with all types of filth such as dust, rat's nests, and moldy growth. Small waterfalls plunged from large pipes and the sound of rushing water filled every crack of the dark, underground maze. Leon's bullet wound was now patched up by an adhesive bandage which had soaked up some of his blood, but had also prevented excessive bleeding. Bubbles carried Sherry over his shoulder while Claire carried his grenade launcher. Ricky walks in lead with Julian and Randy behind him. 

"Thank you, Bubbles, for carrying Sherry for me," thanked Claire. "I really do appreciate it."

"No problem, but I can definitely tell why you needed a break," said Bubbles. "I feel like I'm carrying a weight here. Why do 12-year-olds have to be so damn heavy?"

"She's not too heavy, is she?" asked Claire.

"A little heavier than Ricky's daughter, Trinity, but I'll manage," replied Bubbles.

"Ricky has a family?" asked Claire, who was beginning to discover a side of Ricky that she never knew.

"Well, I guess you could call it a family," explained Bubbles. "His dad lives in Sunnyvale with us and he has a girlfriend named Lucy. She and Ricky were gonna get married, but some shit happened."

"What happened?" she curiously asked Bubbles.

"Oh, the fucking cops dropped in and arrested Ricky during the wedding," continued Bubbles. "Boy, was he ever pissed off. We had everything planned and everything almost seemed perfect. Ever since that day, he and Lucy never really thought about marrying again."

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry to hear that," said Claire.

"It's okay," said Bubbles. "It hasn't really affected me too much. Just don't tell Ricky that I told you this, okay?"

"I promise," said Claire. As the group continued down the passageway, Julian looks up and, suddenly, he throws his arm out and beckons the others to stop walking, including himself. They look up at the ceiling and freeze in shock. However, Ricky continues to head down the path and doesn't notice anything.

"Ricky! Don't move!" ordered Julian in a loud whisper. Ricky hears his voice and turns around to see everyone else standing still.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?" asked Ricky. "We need to find a way outta this place, don't we?"

"Ricky. Whatever you do, don't make any sudden movements," warned Leon.

"You're kidding me, right?" said Ricky, not believing either Leon or Julian. "What are you all staring at anyway?" He looks up and then he quickly finds out why the others were so stunned. On the very portion of ceiling above him, a gigantic spider slowly scans its surroundings with two of its eight thick legs. It's hairy skin was tan-coloured with black stripes and its death-black fangs rubbed simultaneously with each other. "Holy fuck!" Terrified by the horrific sight, Ricky raises his shotgun and aims at the creature. It twitches in response to Ricky's loud voice.

"Don't move," whispered Leon.

"Don't move my ass!" panicked Ricky. "There's a fucking big tarantula above my head!"

"Stop it, Ricky!" whispered Bubbles. "You'll provoke the ugly bastard!"

"I'm gonna shoot it!" shouted Ricky. "I'm gonna kill this fucking eight-legged prick!"

"Ricky, shut up and calm down before you really piss it off!" whispered Julian. Stirred up by the commotion underneath it, the giant spider crawls a very short distance along the ceiling before creeping down a wall next to Ricky. He fires a powerful blast from his shotgun at close range. The well-placed shot severs the spider's abdomen from the rest of its body and both parts fall into the water with a huge splash. Its legs violently twitch and whip the air. Ricky empties three more shells into the spider's upper body, blowing off its fangs and two of its legs with gory results. After a few seconds, the creature stops twitching. Pale-green blood mixed with the surrounding water.

"I think it's dead already," commented Randy.

"How the fuck do you know?" said Ricky after a short breath. "That's the thing with these things. You never know whether they're dead or still alive and waiting to pounce on you when you least expect it." Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a faint twitch in one of the spider's legs. "Holy shit!" Surprised and edgy, Ricky fires a blast, blowing apart the moving leg.

To Be Continued.


	9. Chapter 8

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

A silent cable car rests in a huge, dark room with metal, skeletal-like pillars that supported the high ceiling. The motionless car stared down a pitch-black underground railway, which stretched all the way to its unknown destination. Nearby the sealed vehicle doors stood an isolated control panel with various buttons and switches. A rusty door swings open and the survivors follow Leon into the enormous and deserted station.

"What the hell is that? A subway?" wondered Ricky, staring at the piece of old machinery.

"No, Ricky. It's a cable car," corrected Bubbles.

"A cable car? What the fuck is a cable car?" asked Ricky, looking puzzled.

"The big metal box you're looking at," replied Bubbles, pointing at the cable car. "You know, it's like a train car except it runs along a cable."

"Huh?" said Ricky, who was still confused. "Whoever came up with that kind of idea must've been on drugs or something."

"You're on drugs, Ricky," commented Bubbles.

"It looks like it's still operational," said Leon. "That control panel over there probably runs it." They walk onto the station platform and Leon examines the controls. Much of the white text had eroded away, making correct identification of the buttons very difficult for him.

"What is it, Leon?" asked Claire, noticing him with his eyes beamed down at the different controls. He looks up at the others.

"The names for each of these controls have worn off," he answered. "I don't know which of these turn on power to the car."

"Here, let me take a look," insisted Julian, walking over to Leon's side. He observes the controls for a short while before randomly pressing a gray button. All of the sudden, a bright light bursts out of the small windows of the cable car, revealing its empty interior.

"How the hell did you do that?" asked an impressed Leon.

"Just a lucky guess," replied Julian. The group makes their way towards a set of double doors on the left side of the cable car.

* * *

The double doors automatically slide apart as if they had sensed Leon's presence. He steps into the cable car's hollow belly, followed by the other members of the living and unchanged. Everything which a standard cable car would've had was stripped away. Seats, poles, anything that would've given a passenger some support. Just a control console that awaited them at the very front of the rail vehicle. The group gradually spreads themselves around the interior and Leon operates the console. The doors seal shut and the cable car starts to move. Julian stares out the back window and watches as the station platform seemed to fall away into the darkness. 

"I wish I'd never come to this city," Julian said to himself, feeling a sense of guilt and sadness. "If I had known about the fucked up crisis here, I would've never even thought about bringing my friends into this mess. It's my fault that we're now fighting for our lives."

"Julian, none of us knew what awaited us in Raccoon City," explained Leon, who overheard him. "Me, Claire, you and your friends. We were never prepared for something like this, but we will make it out of here alive. Even if it means fighting every bloodthirsty son of a bitch that tries to make a meal out of us."

"I guess you're right," said Julian. "Maybe I'm just being a little too hard on myself."

"So far, we've done more than just blow away a few zombies and monsters," added Claire. "We've found a young survivor who would've never lasted long without our help."

"Yeah. One who's really starting to kill my shou..." Bubbles notices something odd about Randy's feet and his eyes widen. "Jesus, what the fuck is that humping your foot, Randy?"

"What? There's noth..." Before he could finish his sentence, Randy looks down and, to his surprise, spots a foot-long, brown cockroach hugging his right foot. "Holy shit!" Without hesitating, he kicks the enlarged insect off his foot, sending it sailing towards Ricky.

"Fuck!" shouted Ricky as he quickly stepped out of the cockroach's flightpath. It smacks against the wall with a faint slap and lands with its back on the floor. In an instant, the creature springs back onto its feet and it skitters towards Julian. He rushes out of the way as the cockroach wildly navigates the dirty, metal floor like a panicking chicken.

"Somebody shoot that little asshole, quick!" panicked Bubbles, trying to maintain his distance from the insect and hang onto Sherry at the same time. Leon, Claire, and Julian train their pistols on the rabid bug. "For fuck's sakes, shoot it before it tries to bite a chunk out of me!"

"I'm trying to, Bubs!" shouted Julian. "It's moving so damn fast I can't get a clear shot!"

"Shoot it now! Please!" yelled Bubbles. A gunshot rings out inside the cable car and yellowish-clear blood explodes from the cockroach. It stops dead in its tracks and twitches before being bashed several times by the butt of Randy's shotgun. All that was left of the enraged creature was a pile of wet tissues and mashed organs. The others turn to see smoke escaping from Claire's pistol. She lowers down her gun.

"Man, that was some fucking good timing," commented Ricky. "How did you learn to shoot like that?"

"My dad," replied Claire. "He used to serve in the army."

"Well I guess that explains everything," said Ricky.

* * *

A howling wind sweeps through a lifeless district of factories and plants. Tall funnels tower above the haunting landscape. The survivors appear through an open door and they find themselves under what appears to be either a warehouse or a garage for large vehicles. An odd rail car with a control console next to it rests on top of a pair of rails. Leon leads the group towards the strange car. 

"That's it!" ranted Bubbles. "That's the last time I'm ever gonna take a trip through any fucking sewer!"

"But what if we have to get into a rock concert again, Bubbles?" asked Julian.

"Then I'll just buy a ticket like a normal person and if Lahey ever tries to hold tickets from us again, I'll beat the living shit outta him," answered Bubbles.

"Well that time," said Randy, "you guys spoiled mine and Lahey's camping trip cause of all the garbage you dumped for us to clean up."

"That fucking wasn't us, Randy," Ricky jumped into the argument. "It was Barbara who wanted that trash dropped."

"Yeah, but that trash initially came from you assholes," responded Randy.

"Guys, don't start that shit up again," interrupted Julian. "That was a long time ago." Leon kneels down to examine the octagon of eight straight cracks that surrounded the rail car.

"That's odd," he said. "Why would there be a turntable if there's no other railways present?"

"Beats me" said Claire.

"Wait a minute," said Leon as a memory revealed itself in his mind. "The woman who shot me. She looked like a doctor or a scientist. No, a scientist. This turntable's probably some kind of secret elevator leading down to the chemical plant that Ada was talking about."

"A secret elevator?" wondered Ricky. "That's just fucked."

"Hey, Ricky. We found a secret elevator in that chief's office, remember?" Claire reminded him.

"Aww fuck," sighed Ricky. "Fine, I'll go with your theory."

"I'll go and see if I can find anything inside the rail car," said Claire.

"Sure," replied Leon. Claire heads towards the back of the rail car and the Sunnyvale residents follow her inside.

* * *

After swinging open the thin door, Claire and her companions step inside the small, cramped space of the elevator car's interior. Bubbles lays Sherry down, who's still fast asleep, in a corner. Ricky and Julian sit down in one of the uncomfortable, metal benches. In the tight, front corridor, Claire comes across a tiny key linked to a red tag labelled "Elevator Controls." 

"Ah, here we go," said Claire, removing the key from its hanger. "I'm going out to start up the elevator. I'll be back soon."

"Sure, no problem," said Julian.

"Just don't leave Leon behind by accident," laughed Ricky. "He'll probably get real pissed if we left without him."

"Oh I'm sure he'll race in here as soon as we start moving," responded Claire with a smile. She exits out of the elevator car, closing the door behind her. Ricky stands up and moves to a corner next to the doorway. Randy claims a spot on the other bench.

"Whoever built this piece of shit must be really fucking cheap or something," complained Ricky. "Those benches are worse than those things you see in parks."

"Right now, I don't really care how bad these seats are," said Julian. "I just need to sit down."

"Julian, I hope Leon knows what he's doing," worried Bubbles. "I really wanna get home and see my kitties again."

"We all wanna go home, Bubbles," replied Julian, "and I'm sure Leon knows a way outta this hell, I hope." In the amidst of the conversation, an eardrum-piercing horn blazes out loud echoes from outside the elevator car, startling everyone except Sherry, who didn't seem to be awakened by the sudden noise.

"What the fuck was that?" wondered Bubbles.

"I think we're about to move," said Randy.

"Either that or they're just screwing around with the controls," suggested Ricky. The door bursts open as Leon and Claire rush to get inside, smacking Ricky hard on his forehead. "Ow! Fuck!"

* * *

As Ricky's cursing echoed from the elevator car, two clamps, which held the platform in place, disengage. The whole section begins to drop at a steady pace down a dark, endless shaft. Dim lights emitted the descent into the eerie abyss.

* * *

Meanwhile back inside the elevator car, Ricky grasps a small, bruised mark on his forehead as he sits back down on the metal bench. Leon and Claire stand nearby him and Julian. 

"You could've at least checked before flinging open the fucking door," said Ricky.

"Well sorry," apologized Claire. "I thought you were still sitting next to Julian like what you're doing right now."

"I guess that's what you get for standing nearby the door like a dumbass, Ricky," taunted Randy.

"Hey, knock-knock," responded Ricky.

"I'm not going say who's there," said Randy.

"You just fucking said it, dicknose," said Ricky.

"Frig off, Ricky," cursed Randy.

"Oh, for Christ's sake, knock it off!" shouted Leon, who's already fed up with the constant arguing that he's had to endure ever since he first met the boys. "Geez, I'm starting to get a headache from all of this."

"Well you're not the only one," added Ricky. "Arrgggh, my head." Suddenly, a huge thump rocks the platform and everyone freezes. A low growl sends a curdling message into the blood of every stunned human, except the sleeping and stoned Sherry.

"Aw shit!" said a shocked Bubbles. "The Samsquitch's been stalking us! It can probably smell us from outside!"

"Calm down, Bubbles," said Julian. "There's no such thing as a Samsquitch."

"Then could you explain what the fuck is out there?" Bubbles asked Julian.

"Stay here," ordered Leon. "I'm going out to see what's outside."

"I'm coming with you," said Claire. "There's no way in hell you're going out there alone." Leon lets out a brief sigh.

"Fine, but I want the rest of you to stay inside," he said, cocking the submachine gun he claimed back at the weapons storage in the police station. Leon opens the door and Claire follows him out with Bubbles' grenade launcher. The door slams shut and the guys hear a faint click from the lock. Ricky springs towards the door and tests the stiff handle, then he shakes it in frustration.

"Fuck! The door's locked!" yelled Ricky.

"That's not good!" panicked Bubbles. "Definitely not good at all! Aw fuck, they're gonna die out there! The Samsquitch's gonna eat their guts and play handball with their heads!" Another terrifying roar rings out from the unknown creature. Then an explosion, soon followed by rapid gunfire, cuts in. The sounds of a chaotic battle fill the atmosphere until the creature lets out one final roar. Silence breaks in soon afterwards. "God, I hope that's the Samsquitch dying and not laughing." Ricky doesn't notice another faint click as the door unlocks itself.

"Anything could be happening outside," said Julian. "Hopefully, it's nothing horrible."

"I know one thing," said Ricky, pointing his finger at the door. "They sure as hell ain't gonna get back inside," Again, the door flys open and, this time, it strikes Ricky's finger. He grasps it as the sharp pain fills the sprained index. "Arrggghh! Fuck!" Claire and Leon walk in with smoke rising from their weapons.

"Ricky, why the hell were you standing by the door again?" asked Claire.

"I thought it was still locked," he replied. "Arrggghh!" Claire sighs in disbelief and nods sideways as she stared at Ricky.

To Be Continued.


	10. Chapter 9

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

The elevator platform reaches its destination under the cold and haunting industrial district. Umbrella's secret chemical lab. The place where the multi-million dollar corporation discreetly performed research and development of bio-organic weapons.

Inside the motionless elevator car, Ricky, Julian, Claire, and Randy sit and wait with patience on the, rather uncomfortable, benches. Leon and Bubbles remain standing up.

"What the hell was out there, Leon?" asked Bubbles. "Was it the big fucking Samsquitch himself?"

"I don't know what that thing was, but it sure as hell wanted us dead," replied Leon. "It looked like it used to be human before something horrible happened to him. As Claire and I fought it, the creature seemed to be...morphing into something that was definitely not human and it became more aggressive."

"Morphing people?" wondered Ricky. "This place is becoming more fucked up as it is."

"Is the bastard dead?" Bubbles asked Leon.

"No," was Leon's reply, "it ran away when it was severely injured."

"Shit!" cussed Bubbles. "That means it's still out there." The group cuts out of conversation shortly after hearing a light groan from the the far side of the small space. They turn their attention over to see Sherry breaking out of her long slumber. After a wide yawn, she curiously glances around at the strange new faces. Claire walks over to kneel down in front of her.

"Sherry, are you okay?" asked Claire.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied softly. "Just a little dizzy. Where are we and who are they?"

"Oh! This is Leon, Julian, and Randy," said Claire, introducing Sherry to Leon and his former group. The tired, young girl spots Ricky behind her.

"Hi, Ricky," said Sherry.

"Hey, Sherry" responded Ricky. "Uh listen. I'm sorry for leaving my dope out. I didn't even know you were gonna mistake it for that healing plant you were talking about earlier."

"It's alright, Ricky," said Sherry. She looks back at Claire. "Anyway, where are we?"

"We're in Umbrella's chemical plant," replied Claire.

"The chemical plant?" Sherry wondered aloud. "My parents work here. They might still be in this place."

"We may have to assume the worst," said Leon, "but if we do come across them or any other survivors then we'll make sure they escape with us."

"Thanks Leon, though I'm not sure if it really matters," said Sherry, appearing a little depressed. "You see, my parents never really spent much time with me. They were always more interested in their jobs and they worked very long shifts because of that. To tell you the truth, I think you guys are more reliable than them."

"I know that feeling," commented Bubbles. "My parents abandoned me when I was young. Now Ricky, Julian, and all my cats are my real family."

"Sherry, just because your parents are too involved in their work doesn't mean that they don't love you," explained Claire, placing a warm palm on Sherry's right shoulder. "If we do find them alive in the plant, then they're coming with us."

"Thanks, Claire," said Sherry.

"I think we should all step out of this tin can and get going," suggested Leon. "Ada might be somewhere in this hellhole and there's bound to be an alternative escape route."

"Yeah, if there is one," said Julian. Leon pulls open the door and starts to head out.

"I'll wait for all you guys to get out first," said Ricky. "I don't any one of you with that fucking door." Claire helps Sherry onto her feet and they both follow Julian and Randy out of the elevator car, but not before Claire hands Bubbles back his grenade launcher. He follows them out soon afterwards and, lastly, Ricky proceeds outside.

* * *

Leon leads the survivors off the rear platform of the elevator car. The air smelled stale before eventually dancing with fresh air from the surface. Julian looks up only to see nothing but sheer blackness covering the elevator shaft. Sherry screams in fear and the others quickly turn to face the lobby nearby. Stumbling between a security guardhouse and a branching hallway, a small horde of flesh-hungry zombies sense the presence of fresh meat. Unlike the zombies back on the streets of Raccoon City, these undead beings were stripped of both cloth and skin. They begin their slow advance towards the survivors. 

"Fuck, these zombies are uglier than the last batch," commented Ricky.

"I'll take care of these shitheads," said Bubbles, shoving a grenade into the breech of his M79. Snapping it shut, he singles himself out of the group and aims at the cannibalistic gathering. "This is what happens when you fuck with the Green Bastard you man-eating pricks!" Bubbles pulls hard on the trigger and the grenade shoots out with a loud pop. A powerful explosion decimates the zombie horde, blowing apart limbs and engulfing many in flames. However, one armless zombies remained standing. It continues to stagger towards Bubbles like a crippled drunk. The Green Bastard reaches into a pocket of his jacket, but he felt nothing solid except fluffy traces of lint. "Shit, I'm out of grenades!"

"Bubbles, get back!" ordered Leon. "I'll finish this one off!"

"Fuck that!" shouted a stubborn Bubbles. "I ain't giving up!" He holds the stock of the grenade launcher with both hands. The zombie was much closer now. As soon as it came within his reach, Bubbles swinged his empty weapon at the undead cannibal's head like a baseball bat. Its head rips off from its neck and it sails down the main hallway. After touching down on the concrete floor, the head finally rolls to a complete stop beside a pair of closed elevator doors. The rest of the corpse walked for a few more steps before succumbing to a complete death.

"Jesus, Bubs! You're fucking nuts!" said Ricky.

"It's a good thing you're on our side, Bubbles," added Julian.

"This sucks, guys," said Bubbles, throwing down his grenade launcher. "My grenade popper's now a piece of useless shit. I don't have anymore grenades." Leon removes his pistol from its holster and he looks down at the gun. As he walked over to Bubbles, he reached into his side pack and pulled out a handful of 9mm rounds.

"Here," said Leon. "You can use my service pistol for the time being. Just don't lose it and please conserve your ammo."

"You're awesome, Leon," thanked Bubbles as he gladly accepted the firearm and bullets.

"Hey guys," said Sherry, "There's a map over by the security office." The survivors turn their attention towards a blue-framed layout of the entire complex, encased in plastic. They immediately head over to examine the map.

"Wow, this chemical plant must be enormous!" said Randy. "It's kind of amazing how Umbrella managed to keep all of this completely hidden."

"Yeah, and it's kind of amazing how Umbrella creating something that's fucked up everything here," added Claire with an emerging hatred for the corporation.

"According to this map," explained Leon, "there's an emergency train station on a lower level. It can be accessed by that elevator where that zombie's head went flying to, or by another lift from somewhere else."

"At least there's a way out of here," said Julian.

"I know, but Ada has to be somewhere in this complex," said Leon, who was desperate to find the missing woman.

"Leon, Ada's been constantly running off whenever we meet up with her," explained Julian. "For all I know, she probably doesn't want our help and wants us to fuck off instead."

"I'm not leaving without Ada," responded Leon, refusing to give up. "She's gonna leave with us whether she likes it or not. We're gonna have to split up again. Claire, I would like you to take Sherry, Julian, and Bubbles down to the train station and see if you can get our escape route up and running."

"Sure, I'd be glad to," said Claire.

"The rest of us are gonna go search for Ada, starting with this level," continued Leon. "Give us at least an hour or so. If we never make it to the train long before then, feel free to leave without us."

"I'll think twice before I decide to leave you guys behind," said Claire.

"It's just a precaution in case something were to go wrong," said Leon. "Anyway, I think we should get moving."

"Alright," agreed Claire. The survivors turn away from the map and, gradually, they begin to split up into their proposed groups. Claire leads her group towards the elevator while Leon leads the others down the narrow hallway.

* * *

Ada Wong stares down the dark and almost-endless elevator shaft that led down to Umbrella's secret faculity. Cold winds howled throughout the factory and its neighbouring structures. Her gun was clutched in her right hand as goosebumps developed on her skin. In her other hand, she held a sealed vial which contained a dark purple liquid. 

"Well, it seems that you boys have decided to continue on down to the chemical plant," Ada spoke to herself as if she was talking to Leon. "However, there's no need for me to waste anymore time around here. I just found out from that scientist who shot you, Leon, that John's dead. He's gone and I will never see him again, but in order to make my journey here worthwhile, I've managed to obtain what I really came here for. The G-virus. It was not easy to take it from that stubborn scientist, but that was before she went in for a drink back in the sewers. Anyway, I don't intend to stick around for much longer so I bid you a fair goodbye and good luck. Be careful down there, Leon." Ada shoves the G-virus sample into a pocket on her dress and makes a beeline for a nearby fence. She leaps over the barrier and then disappears into the shadows of the industrial district.

* * *

Another pair of elevator doors spread open and Claire steps out with the other survivors. They find themselves standing in a huge railway station with various electronic equipment and stell fences with gates bordering certain areas. A catwalk arches over a long, steel train with an Umbrella logo painted on both sides. Several bulky cars line up connected to each other behind a head car, which faced an endless stretch of concrete tunnel. 

"Looks like this is the right stop," said Claire. "Come on, let's get inside." She leads her group towards a pair of sliding doors on their side of the train.

* * *

The automatic doors slide apart as Claire walks in with the others. The head car was modified with metal benches that clinged to the interior walls. Two smaller sliding doors face each other on both ends of the train section. One led to the train's control systems while the other led back outside to the next car. Sherry sits down on a bench next to a large storage chest. 

"Alright, let's get this thing ready to take us away from this hell on earth," said Claire.

"I'm right on it," said Bubbles, rushing up the small steps into the revealing control room. Julian lifts up the lid of the chest and discovers an assortment of food rations and a first aid kit. He starts digging through the packaged rations.

"Claire, do you happen to know where this train will lead us to?" asked Sherry.

"Not a clue," she replied, "but I hope it will take us somewhere out of Raccoon City." Julian nears the bottom of the chest and, finally, he finds exactly what he hoped for. A bottle of Jamaican rum. He smiles as he lifts the liquor up and closes the chest.

"Fuck!" Bubbles shouted from the control room.

"What? What is it?" wondered Claire, turning her head to see the automatic door reopen with Bubbles walking down the steps. A frustrated look is present on his face.

"Nothing works!" continued Bubbles. "None of the fucking controls work!"

"Is there any power to them?" asked Claire.

"No!" responded Bubbles. "That's why they're not working! We're fucked!"

"Bubbles, calm down," said Claire. "This train probably requires power from a source somewhere around the station." She takes notice of Julian unscrewing the cap off of the bottle of rum. Without warning, she walks over to him and swipes the bottle out of his hands.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" asked Julian. Claire fully unscrews off the cap and drinks a long sip. Then she gives the bottle back to Julian and cringes her eyes for a brief moment as the alcohol kicked her. "Well, you could've at least asked first."

"Sorry, I forgot," apologized Claire. "You guys look after Sherry until I get back. I'm going out to see if I can get power flowing into this machine. I'll try not to be too long." The automatic double doors, leading back out to the station, fly open and Claire runs out. The doors close back together soon afterwards, Julian takes a sip of rum as Bubbles heads back into the control room. He looks around his surroundings and notices Sherry staring at him with a smile.

"What?" asked Julian.

"Can I have a drink?" replied Sherry.

"No!" countered Julian.

"Not even a tiny sip?" said Sherry.

"Okay, fine!" Julian gave in, "but just a tiny sip." He walks over to Sherry and gives her the glass bottle.

* * *

Leon and Randy enter into a small, cluttered room filled with various lab equipment and polished countertops. Shards of broken glass are scattered on the floor, probably from smashed beakers and test tubes. In front of the two-man, initially three, search party was a strange-looking machine with a green monitor next to it. 

"What the hell is that?" wondered Randy.

"I don't know," said Leon. "Maybe it's a machine used to synthesize chemicals. I've never seen this kind of technology before."

"I've always heard strange things about the Umbrella Corporation and their activities," Randy discussed with Leon. "Mr. Lahey never believed any of the rumours, but at the same time, he had his own beliefs as well. Now that I'm here in this place, I know now that it's not just rumours."

"I know. This whole thing's insane," agreed Leon. "Umbrella is insane. Why the hell would they invest their money into making weapons that live to be killing machines?"

"Beats me," said Randy. "All I know is that it's fucked up." As they moved deeper into the messy laboratory, they discover a blood-stained hospital bed surrounded by overhead lamps and medical tool trays.

"Jesus," Leon whispered to himself.

"Okay, Ada's not here so shall we go now?" asked Randy, who was deseperate to leave the disgusting sight.

"Yeah," replied Leon. "Let's continue searching." The two start to head back towards the doorway when, suddenly, Randy realizes something that did not seem right to him.

"Wait a minute. Isn't Ricky supposed to be with us?" he asked.

"Yeah. He's..." Leon looks around, but Ricky with nowhere to be seen. "Aw shit!"

To Be Continued.


	11. Chapter 10

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

In a dark, gigantic room, Ricky walks down a catwalk of steel grates and red-painted guardrails. Massive pillars of cast iron hold up a high ceiling. Inside each pillar's skeletal body, pipes and large, insulated wires ran in both directions to and from the ceiling. A solid wall ended the catwalk's path, but Ricky stops to rest by a control panel in front of the largest pillar. Setting down his shotgun on a nearby steel grate, he reaches into a pocket of his track pants and pulls out a small, wrapped joint. Placing the dope in his mouth, he takes out his lighter and ignites the exposed end.

"Finally, a place where I can relax and enjoy my last joint," Ricky happily said to himself, breathing out a puff of smoke. Suddenly, a sharp pain quickly tears through his leg as a bullet pierces through his flesh. His joint tumbled out of his mouth as he screamed in pain. "Arrgggh!...Fuck!" Ricky stumbles to his knees and picks up his shotgun. Then an unfamiliar voice fills his ears and he freezes.

"Don't move, or I'll put another one in your other leg!" shouted an angered, female voice.

"Arrghh!...What in the fuck?" cursed Ricky as he turned his head to see the blond woman, whom Leon and Ada encountered earlier in the sewers, standing about seven feet away from him. She held a pistol in her right and aimed directly at Ricky.

"Throw your gun over the guardrail," ordered the woman.

"No way! I need that!" refused Ricky.

"I said throw it over!" she demanded again, this time with more hostility. Left with no choice, Ricky casts his shotgun over the guardrail. It plummets down into the dark abyss.

"Who the fuck are you anyway?" asked Ricky.

"I'm asking the questions here," retorted the woman. "First, identify yourself." There was no answer from the wounded Ricky. "Tell me your name!"

"Randy...Randy Lahey," lied Ricky.

"Randy Lahey?" said the woman, who seemed to be fooled by Ricky's false name. "You don't seem familiar at all, but that does not mean you're not a threat. Who sent you?"

"Nobody sent me," responded Ricky. "I'm just trying to get the fuck outta here. Who are you?"

"Fine, if you insist," said the woman. "I'm Dr. Annette Birkin and I worked here alongside with my husband, William. He's the man responsible for creating both the T-virus and the G-virus. Who do you work for?"

"I work for a car dealership owned by Jim Trevor," Ricky replied with another lie.

"You're lying!" shouted Annette. "I can see it on your face. You're working for an agency that wants you to obtain a sample of the G-virus. Well, you're too late. Another agent has managed to take it from me."

"G-virus. B-virus. Dick-virus. I don't know what the fuck you're going on about, Doctor," said Ricky. "Now please give me something to plug my wound or fuck off."

"I don't really care if you're bleeding to death," said Annette with a cold voice. "No one's leaving this faculity alive." All of the sudden, the double doors on the other end of the catwalk rapidly start to bend outwards. Then the thick doors are ripped off their hinges and they trip over the guardrails. Standing in the wrecked doorway was a terrifying, grotesque monstrosity. Its skin was black as death and red as blood. Four muscular arms, each with a set of half-metre long, razor-sharp claws, spread out in an attack position. Two huge, bulging red eyes scan the creature's surroundings from its two topmost arms. Annette instantly lowers her pistol and she races over to the evil beast. She looks up at the towering monster and smiles in joy. "William, you're alive. I hope you still remember your loving wife." Without any hesitation, the creature slashes Annette with one set of claws, ripping her open and knocking her over a guardrail. She screamed as she plunged into the darkness below. The creature doesn't notice Ricky, who's hiding behind the control panel, and leaps off the catwalk, disappearing out of sight. Ricky slowly lifts himself up, still shocked from what he had just seen. The pain starts to build up in his leg again and he sits on top of the controls, accidently pushing down a big, red button.

"What was that?" Ricky asked himself. "Ah, my leg!" Suddenly, the huge pillar behind him starts to quake. Soon, the entire chemical plant was shaking to the tremor. The short earthquake subsides and Ricky looks up to see bolts of electricity wrapping around the pillar. A female computer voice issues out a warning through the PA system.

"The self-destruct sequence has been activated. Repeat. The self-destruct sequence has been activated. This sequence cannot be aborted. All employees proceed to the emergency car at the bottom platform." The computer voice echoes off as the buzzing, warning siren spreads its message throughout the faculity. Ricky springs onto his feet.

"Oh fuck!" yelled Ricky as he painfully limped his way out through the open doorway.

* * *

Meanwhile inside the train's lead car, Bubbles panics after hearing the terrifying message. Julian tries to calm him down while Sherry remains seated, watching the two guys.

"Self-destruct?" said Bubbles. "This place is gonna blow! We're fucked! We're definitely fucked!"

"Bubbles, get a hold of yourself!" demanded Julian.

"There's no power to this train and the whole place is gonna go ka-boom!" continued Bubbles. "We're not gonna make it!"

"We will make it," said Julian. "Just think positive."

"Fuck postive!" shouted Bubbles. "What good is that gonna do?" The passenger doors slide apart and Claire rushes inside the train. Sherry runs over to embrace her.

"Claire, you're back," Sherry said happily.

"See," pointed out Julian. "Some good things happen when you think positive."

"What's going on, Claire?" asked Bubbles. "Can we get the hell outta here?"

"Power's been routed over to the train," she replied, separating herself from Sherry. "Everything should work now."

"About fucking time," said Bubbles. "I'll go start it up."

"Just remember," Claire reminded Bubbles. "We still have three people out somewhere in the chemical lab."

"I know," said Bubbles. "I wasn't gonna leave them behind or anything." He dashes for the door leading into the control room.

* * *

The elevator doors open and Ricky limps down the wide hallway in the main lobby. At the same time, Leon and Randy race down the narrow, branching hallway. All three members of the former search party meet at the junction.

"Ricky, where the hell were you?" shouted an angry Leon.

"I was out looking for Ada like you told me to," answered Ricky.

"Yeah, but I also told you to stick with us as well," said Leon. Glancing at Ricky's leg, he notices the bloody, bullet wound. "What happened to your leg?"

"Some fucking crazy bitch shot me," replied Ricky. I swear she was on serious drugs cause she was nuts."

"Was it Ada who shot you?" asked Leon.

"I don't know," said Ricky. "Is she a doctor or something?"

"No, but the woman she chased after was a scientist," said Leon. "Did she say anything to you?"

"Yeah. She talked about all sorts of shit about some kind of virus and how someone stole it from her," explained Ricky. "I can't remember most of it cause I must've been stoned at the time."

"You were smoking dope again, weren't you?" said Randy.

"What the fuck do you think, Randy?" Ricky replied rudely.

"Do you remember anything else?" asked Leon.

"Oh yeah," continued Ricky. "She got killed by some big, ugly monster because she thought it was her husband. Fuck, this thing was a killing machine. I wonder if it was the Samsquitch that Bubbles keeps ranting on about."

"This place is about to go up in smoke and we don't know how much time we have left," said Leon. "We should hurry down to the train and get you something for that bullet wound."

"Don't worry about time," said Ricky. "I've seen it all in movies. These self-destructing countdowns usually take about two hours to finish."

"Five minutes until detonation," the computer voice reminded the complex.

"Fuck!" cursed Ricky as he and the other guys made a run for the elevator with Ricky limping behind Leon and Randy.

* * *

Claire and Sherry are seated on one of the many metal benches while Julian paces himself inside the head car. Bubbles remains hidden in the control room.

"What's taking them so long?" wondered Sherry. "I hope they're alright."

"I'm thinking the same thing too," said Julian. "Come on, guys. We don't have much time left."

"Wait!" said Claire. Everyone around her stops to listen. They could hear what sounded like a pair of heavy doors opening. "I think that's the elevator." The side doors of the train car slid apart as Leon and Randy rushed in. "Leon!"

"Where's Ricky?" Shortly after Julian asked the rookie cop, Ricky stumbles into car, falling onto the hard floor with a loud thud.

"Ow! Fuck!" he cussed as the side doors sealed themselves shut.

"Oh my god! Is he going to be okay?" worried Sherry.

"I'm okay, Sherry," Ricky replied. "It's just a little flesh wound. Ahh...damn!"

"Is everyone here?" Leon asked Claire.

"Yes," she answered. The cop turns to face the direction of the control room.

"Hey, Bubbles!" shouted Leon. "We're good to go!"

"Great!" Bubbles yelled back from the control room. "Let's get this big fucker moving!"

* * *

The emergency train awakens and it begins its escape journey into the devouring tunnel, picking up as it slid on the tracks. Two cars had yet to be dragged out of the station when all of the sudden, a series of violent explosions rip throughout the area. Metal beams twist and pull apart like licorice. The arched catwalk bursts into two, sharp planks, shooting out lethal shards of debris. A massive fireball tears apart the elevator like paper as the once secret chemical plant perishs in its final doom.

* * *

Meanwhile back inside the train, the survivors drop to the floor. A powerful tremor rocks the vehicle, knocking a bench off of its support chains. Eventually, the shaking slowly fades away and everyone lifts themselves back onto their feet except Ricky.

"Are you okay?" Claire asked Sherry.

"Yes, I'm fine," replied the young girl. Leon gazes around the lead car and lets out a sigh of relief. Julian downs a shot of rum directly from the bottle.

"It's over," said Leon.

"No," disagreed Claire. "I have to find my brother."

"You're right," said Leon. "This is just the beginning. Umbrella must be stopped before more incidents like Raccoon City ever happen again."

"Uh, listen," interrupted Ricky. "I know we just escaped a zombie-infested city and a secret lab full of monsters and you're all happy, but I'm fucking bleeding to death here."

"I'll get the first aid kit out of the chest," said Julian with a smile. He walks over to the storage chest and swings open the lid.

To Be Continued.


	12. Chapter 11

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

Bubbles checks over every computer console and switch inside the train's control room before staring out the front window with a smile. The tunnel lights raced past as the train sped down the leading tracks. The door behind him slides open and he turns to see Julian step inside with the rum in his right hand. Ricky follows him in. A white bandage was wrapped around his bullet wound.

"Hey Bubbles," said Julian. "How's everything doing?"

"Awesome!" replied Bubbles. "We made it, guys! We fucking made it!" The door seals itself behind Ricky.

"I know and I drink to that," toasted Julian, drinking a large sip of rum.

"Hey, give me some of that," demanded Ricky, beckoning at Julian with one hand. His best friend passes him the bottle and he downs a couple long sips of liquor. He then gives the bottle to Bubbles. "Bubs. Uhh, listen. When we were in the sewers, I overheard you and Claire talking about what happened on my wedding day."

"Ricky, I'm so sorry," apologized Bubbles after drinking a sip. "She fished it right out of me."

"No, no, no, Bubs. It's alright," responded Ricky, casting down the unnecesssry apology. "I just wanna say that day hasn't really bothered me anymore. Lucy and I still have each other and that's what matters the most. We've always been happy together...Well, almost." Bubbles passes the bottle back to Julian.

"Well, even though we never any money off of the dope we brought with us," said Julian, "at least we made it out of the city with our lives." He chugs another large sip. "I wonder if Cory and Trevor ever got out of Raccoon City alive."

"Those two fuck-ups?" retorted Ricky. "They're so dumb that everything they do ends up getting fucked up. Maybe Lahey never survived cause he's a fucking drunk."

"If he got eaten up by zombies, we wouldn't have to deal with that dick anymore," said Bubbles.

"Yeah, but Randy will be sad and lonely without his best friend," Julian remembered the strong friendship between Randy and Jim Lahey. "To tell you the truth, I feel kinda sorry for him."

"Same here," agreed Bubbles.

"And here," Ricky agreed surprisingly, despite his longtime feud with Randy.

"Hey, guys. What do you think everyone back home's gonna think when we tell them about all the shit we went through?" asked Bubbles.

"Who knows?" answered Ricky. "J-Roc's probably gonna make up some really fucked up rap song about our standoff with death."

"Standoff with death," said Bubbles. "That actually sounds kinda cool."

"But whether you guys do, do not mention anything about the viagra incident, especially to Lucy," said Ricky, receiving the bottle of rum from Julian. "The last thing I need is some fucking rumours going around and making her think I was cheating on her."

"Aren't you gonna tell your family about everything else that happened in Raccoon City?" Bubbles asked Ricky.

"You guys can," he replied. "When we get back to Sunnyvale Trailer Park, I'm gonna get drunk as fuck." Ricky gulps down one big shot of rum. "Ahhhh." Feeling relaxed, he slowly walks backwards and, by accident, backs into a big, red emergency stop button. The train begins to slow down at a rapid rate, causing the wheels to screech and spark as they grinded against the tracks. The trio feels a slight jerk as the train eventually came to a complete stop.

"Ricky, what the fuck did you just do?" Julian asked angrily.

"I didn't fucking do anything," retorted Ricky.

"Bullshit!" cursed Bubbles. "You pressed your ass on the emergency stopper!"

"What?" said Ricky. He looks behind himself and spots the button. "Shit!" Suddenly, the door leading out of the control room clicks. Julian heads over to it, but the door would not budge.

"Damn, it's locked!" he said. "We're trapped!" The guys hear a loud knock on the door from the other side.

"Hey, what the fuck is going on in there?" Leon yelled from the lead car's main space.

"Sorry, I backed into the emergency stop button," replied Ricky.

"Leon, can you get off this train?" asked Julian.

"No! All of the doors are locked!" was Leon's answer. "God damn, this is weird!"

"I'll see what I can do with these controls." Before Bubbles could touch anything, the same computer voice from the destroyed lab speaks through the train's speakers.

"Warning. Biohazard detected onboard. Lockdown initiated. This train will detonate. Repeat. This train will detonate."

"Oh fuck! Not again!" shouted Ricky.

"Another self-destruct!" added Bubbles. "This can't be fucking happening. This can't be happening." In the amidst of panic, he starts randomly pushing buttons and flicking switches.

"Bub, what are you doing?" asked Ricky.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" panicked Bubbles. "I'm trying to shut off whatever bomb's on this train!" As the other two survivors panicked, Julian looks up to discover a large hatch. It was sealed shut by a lock and chain. He pulls out his pistol and fires a couple of shots, breaking the lock. The he punches the hatch and it flips open.

"Guys, I've found a way out," said Julian. Ricky turns his attention to Julian and he notices the open hatch above him.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me, Julian," said Ricky.

"It's the only option we have right now," said Julian. "Come on! Lift me up!" Ricky and Bubbles quickly move to each side of him. They crouch down to grab a leg each, then they lift their friend up and through the hole in the ceiling.

* * *

Julian climbs onto the roof of the head car. Then he turns around to help Bubbles through the new found escape route.

"Come on, Ricky," encouraged Julian. "We'll pull you up."

"We can't leave the booze behind!" shouted Ricky.

"Ricky, just drop the booze and get your ass up here!" ordered Julian, this time with a angry tone. The sound of a glass bottle smashing on the floor echoes out of the train.

"Fuck!" cussed Ricky as Julian and Bubbles reached into the open hatch to pull him out of the train. "Easy! My leg still hurts!" As soon as the boys were out of the motionless locomotive, they slide off the roof on one side and land onto a rocky ground of packed down stones and pebbles. Ricky cringes in pain as he clutched the adhesive bandage on his wound. "Arrgghh!..Shit! A little too hard on the landing."

"At least we're out," stated Julian.

"I know we're out, but what about the others?" asked Bubbles.

"We're over here!" shouted Claire. Ricky and Julian follow Bubbles as he rushed to the front of the train. She, Leon, Sherry, and Randy emerge from the other side and the band of survivors meet up in front of the lead car.

"How did you guys get out?" Julian asked Leon.

"We managed to find an escape hatch in the floor," he replied. "It was easy for us to crawl through and under the train."

"For you guys it was easy. Damn, that gravel hurts!" said Randy, who's shirtless belly was covered in red, minor scratches.

"What are we fucking standing around her for?" Bubbles wondered aloud. "This train's gonna blow!" The survivors immediately start sprinting up the continuing tunnel, forcing themselves to run as fast as their legs could carry them.

Meanwhile farther down the train, a slithering, red tentacle bursts out of a window. It darts out as if it was trying to reach for something. Then another tentacle grows out of the broken window to tangle around the other. Suddenly, a chain of explosions annihilate the train car by car. A shockwave from the last explosion knocks down the retreating group before a fireball consumes the wreckage. They slowly bring themselves up and turn back to observe the burning train parts and debris.

"Holy shit!" said Ricky.

"So much for our ride," added Claire.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" asked Bubbles.

"I guess we just walk from here," replied Leon.

"Aw fuck," cursed Ricky with a sigh of disbelief. "Just don't walk so fast cause my leg's killing me." After a few more seconds of staring at the wreckage, the survivors turn around to continue their journey through the tunnel by foot with Ricky limping behind them.

To Be Continued.


	13. Chapter 12

Trailer Park Boys In Resident Evil By JediClutz

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Trailer Park Boys, or any of its characters.

About forty minutes have passed since the destruction of Umbrella's emergency train and the true death of the G-type creature that had brutally slain many survivors of the Raccoon City outbreak. Leon and Claire lead the exhausted group through the concrete tunnel. The rough gravel grinds under every step. Ricky continues to limp behind, but the sharp pain seems to gradually lessen in his leg as time went on. They walk around a long curve until, finally, they discover a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

"God, I hope that's the end right there," Bubbles said to himself. The survivors begin to increase their pace as they moved closer towards the promising light. Then Leon, Claire, and Sherry break into a sprint, leaving the others behind.

"Hey, what the fuck?" said Ricky, who was in no shape to run at any pace. The three runners emerge from the tunnel's mouth out of a large steep hill. They bring themselves to a resting halt and gaze around their surroundings. The gloomy night sky had changed to a bright and cheerful morning. Vast fields of shining green grass and old haystacks stretched across the landscape. A straight highway formed a border in the flat fields. Claire smiled as she breathed in a gust of fresh, soothing air.

"Ah, it's finally over," sighed Claire. She looks over at Sherry, who was standing next to her. "Sherry, you look terrible."

"Yeah but I'm as bad as you, Claire," she joked. The two laugh while Leon stares out to the sky.

"I hope you made it out alive, Ada," he spoke to himself. "I hope you're enjoying the same kind of scenery as we are right now." As they celebrated their freedom from the zombie nightmare, the other survivors step out of the tunnel and into the countryside.

"I thought I'd never see another day like this again," Bubbles said with a smile.

"Jesus, I think that's the highway we took when we first arrived in that death trap," Julian pointed out to the highway.

"Hey Ricky, are you going to be fine with that leg?" asked Claire.

"Yeah, sure," he replied. "This isn't the first time I've been shot so I'm used to it?"

"It's a lovely view, isn't it Ricky?" commented Sherry.

"I know, it's nice," agreed Ricky, searching through his pockets. He turns up with nothing except his lighter. "Fuck, I need a smoke." Leon walks a few steps closer to the highway, drawn to the sound of an approaching motor vehicle. The noise becomes louder and he looks over to his right to see a small, white car heading towards his direction. The slightly-rusted vehicle begins to slow down before moving off the road and into the field.

"Who the hell are these guys?" wondered Leon after spotting two unfamiliar faces behind the windshield. The white car stops nearby him. Julian rushes over when he recognizes the two young adults getting out.

"Cory? Trevor?" Julian called out.

"Who are they?" Claire asked Ricky.

"Cory and Trevor. Our two fuck-ups," he replied rudely. While Julian engaged in a conversation with his two lackeys, Ricky and the rest of the group follow him to the gathering by the car.

"You boys should not have ran away from us back at that diner," said Julian with a stern voice. "You could've been fucking killed."

"Sorry, Julian," apologized Cory. "We were just trying to get away from Lahey. The crazy asshole had a gun."

"Man, I'm glad to see you guys are still in one piece," interrupted Ricky. He quickly turns to Trevor and starts snapping his fingers. "Smokes, Trevor! Let's go!"

"I don't have anymore, Ricky. I'm out," said Trevor.

"Fuck! I wish you two fucking dumbasses died back there!" responded Ricky with a furious temper.

"Ricky, shut up!" shouted Julian. Ricky stares angrily at Cory and Trevor and flips them both the middle finger. "Did you guys manage to stop by our van and gather any dope?"

"No, man," replied Cory. "We didn't even think of doing that."

"You know that's a shitload of money down the drain," sighed Julian.

"Well, we did find some kind of herb in a garden and we tried smoking it," said Trevor.

"Yeah, it was really good," added Cory. "I think it cured me from whatever disease that zombie put into me."

"We were gonna take some with us, but some really freaky monster fucking chased us," continued Trevor.

"Yeah, it was just trucking after us," said Cory. "It's a good thing I hotwired that car."

"Yeah, a really good thing," said Trevor. Cory's eyes wandered amongst the group until they were fixed on Claire's chest.

"Cory, did you see any survivors on your way out of the city?" asked Leon. There was no answer as Cory continued to stare at Claire. "Cory!" The young man shakes and blinks his eyes after being startled by the cop.

"What? Oh, no I didn't see anyone else," replied Cory.

"Wait a minute," a recent memory snapped into Trevor's brain. "I think someone was following us."

"Oh yeah, a blue car which seemed oddly familiar," Cory remembered.

"It looked just like..." Before Trevor could finish his sentence, everyone turns to see another car approaching them. It was the blue car which Cory and Trevor were trying to describe. It swerves left to right down the road before diving into the field and smashing through a haystack.

"Look boys. It's Captain Arsehole himself," said Bubbles, recognizing Lahey's face behind the steering wheel.

"Aww fuck," cursed Ricky.

"Oh no, not this guy again," said Claire after remembering Lahey's incursion back in the police station. The survivors immediately step back as the small vehicle slows down and collides into the white car's rear left side. Randy rushes over to the blue car.

"Mr. Lahey?" he said as he opened the driver's door, revealing a drunken Lahey. "Mr. Lahey, are you okay?"

"Ohh...Hello, Randy," slurred Lahey. He staggers out of the car with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, but Randy catches him.

"Aww Mr. Lahey, you've been drinking and driving," said Randy with a look of disappointment.

"Oh no, I'm fine," replied Lahey. "I only had just a little...bit." He notices the rest of the group staring at him. "Well, well, well. It looks like the little shitratlings decided to roost in their nest of shit."

"Fuck off, Lahey!" retorted Ricky.

"Ahh... It's nice to see you too, Ricky," ranted Lahey. "I'd thought the RPD already locked your ass up with your two other accomplices. Well, it looks like the S.T.A.R.S. team just can't get enough of you. Have they done anything yet, like throw you boys into a big shitfire?"

"Don't listen to him, Sherry," Ricky whispered to the little girl. "His mind's all screwed up."

"I can see that," she replied.

"No, wait a minute," Lahey continued. "Maybe they made you all stand out in a heavy shitrain until you were all covered in shit. Anyway, all I wanna say is that you losers can't outsmart Officer Jim Lahey. My footprint will always be on your guilty little asses."

"Lahey, shut the fuck up!" shouted the rest of the gathering after being fed up with Lahey's drunken talk of nonsense.

* * *

The End. 

Finally, my first complete fanfic. Well, I hope you've enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
